Psychic Offers to Help Brad Find a Troublesome Ghost...Then Gets Really Angry

To: Psychic

Dear Psychic,

I am currently in search of a spiritual adviser. I am hoping this person will fulfill certain short comings in me and wife's life. She doesn't speak much and has recently stolen the neighbors microwave. It was a nice microwave but we wouldn't have much use for it so I had her return it. Most of my friends think she is possessed. I feel she is just not a very nice person. Either way I would like a professional to evaluate the situation.

I would like some advice. Being a novice, I am not quite sure where to begin. I had an unusual upbringing and as a result my parents never offered any religious guidance. They traveled with a vagrant clan of desert carnival workers. My exposure to most religions was limited to the occasional unorganized fire dance and livestock sacrifice. I don’t consider watching a bearded woman get drunk and lead a prayer circle with the guy that runs the dunk tank a fulfilling experience. She normally only prayed if she was planning on juggling chainsaws or jumping a motorcycle over a pit of alligators or something of that nature. I'm not sure who she prayed to but it seldom worked.

Perhaps you can help me find a religion, preferably one that can perform a simple exorcism. I only have one fear. My brother Carlos told me that there are some religions that to become a member I would have to find the tears of rattle snake and to wrestle a tiger for his fangs. I am pretty sure he was joking but I am looking for one that does not require such acts. I do not feel that my wife, although a proven hunter, has the time or the patience to collect these items. She angers easily and does not like snakes. Also, it is a good idea that I stay close to holy water at all times due to my wife's condition. Do you think you could help me out?

I see you also do Voodoo. That could come in very handy as there are quite a few people that I dislike.

Sincerely,

Brad Fith

***

From: B.Lane
To: Brad Fith

Brad you will need to get a reading before I can begin working with you. I need to see what the spirits say.

***

From: Brad Fith
To: Psychic

Dear S********,

Thank you for your quick response. Sure, getting a reading is no problem at all. Where do I get one of those? I am fairly certain my house is haunted so I should be able to find a spirit somewhere. From what I have observed they are not talkative but I will surely give it a try. The only thing they seem to like to do is watch television, curse a lot and drink my whiskey. Friendly they are not. Is this something I can handle by myself or should I enlist the help of my brother Carlos?

Thanks,

Brad Fith

***

From: Brad Fith  
To: Psychic; G Fith, Carlos Fith  

Carlos and Greg,  

I have contacted a Spiritual Adviser about my problem. I think I need to have you help me do a reading at once. It seems like every few days something else happens to make me realize that I have a serious problem!! Last night I bought the Ouija board as you suggested. Nothing happened...at first. But I think I unleashed some kind of foul demon that has blackened the very core of my existence. Here is the story.  

Yesterday I was in the front yard trying to cut down the light pole. Carlos, I know I've complained about it before but for Greg's reference it shines right in my bedroom window. No one from the transportation department seems to know who put it there so they gave me permission to remove it. This is much more difficult than you might expect without the proper tools. I found that out the hard way but that is another story.   

It was dusk. I was outside trying to figure out how I was going to get the thing cut. I was drenched in sweat. It was one of the hottest days of the year. Suddenly, I could feel someone's eyes digging into my back. Chills went up my spine as my mouth went dry. I turned slowly. My eyes met Larry's. He was looking at my through the living room window. His eyes seemed to glow from intensity. This is not the same dog I once knew. The window was open, I could hear him snarl at my every move. After several minutes of posturing I finally turned to continue working. This was a mistake. Just as I raised my large handcrafted woodsman axe Larry ran out of the house and bit hard on my ankle. His legs carried him swiftly across the grass, faster than I have ever seen him move. He is very strong for a French poodle. He wouldn't let go!! His teeth dug in like I was a Beggin' Strip. I fell to the ground. The harder I shook the more he tightened his grip. I think he could taste the blood and he liked it. He liked it a lot.  

From there things quickly got worse. I felt an explosion of pain, as if my head had blown up, followed by the gentle ooze of something warm streaming down my back. Out of nowhere eggs had started flying at me. It was yoke. One of them had hit me square in the back of the head. I struggled to turn only to see the Swiss Nazis that live across the street!! They had seen the commotion and decided to capitalize on it. This is worse than when they occupied France. I'm so glad we won the war! I couldn't imagine if those little maniacs had taken over. These Nazis aren't even full grown and they are downright evil!!!  

I was blinded by eggs and fur. That's when the door to my house flew open. It was my wife! As far as I was concerned she was bathed in angelic light, around her head a halo hung. She stood holding a broom in the doorway. My savior had finally come. She ran towards us, full sprint.  

This is when thing went from worse to downright depressing. She did not hit the poodle or the Nazis. She hit me!! She was fully nude, laughing like a banshee and repeatedly hitting me in the head. She hit me with passion and vigor. There was spit coming from her mouth with every blow. Her eyes were empty and crazy. I haven't seen her show so much emotion in a long time. Sure, it slightly turned me on but what in the hell was going on?!?!  

I don't even remember how I escaped. When I awoke I was nude and in the turnip garden. My ankle was bleeding, my head was throbbing and I was covered in egg yolk. Worst of all my sunglasses were lost and my cigarette was no longer lit.  

What in the world is going on around my house!?!?! There are evil spirits, ghouls and horrible beast spewing evil and making everyone crazy. You are a couple of smart guys. Help me figure this out and get this reading to the good sister so I can get this taken care of!!! Do you have any suggestions?  

Thanks,  

Brad Fith  

***  

From: Carlos Fith  
To: Brad Fith, G Fith, Psychic  

Brad,  

Carlos is not amused. Carlos would like you to stop with all this ghost nonsense. Carlos believes that you have an angry wife problem and Carlos believes that she might be cheating on you. Carlos witnessed on Wednesday June, 22 at 2:53:34 p.m. a pool cleaning van pull up to your house and two men came out of the front of the van and another from the back. It was about 3:47:13 that Carlos realized Brad does not even own a pool but Mrs. Fith seemed generally happy with whatever job they had done.  

Carlos would also like to say that backing into a light pole with your car while singing 'Sweet Home Alabama' is not what the transportation department had in mind when they gave you permission to remove the light pole. Your neighbors are not Swiss Nazis, you just think that because you thought it would be a good idea to shave their heads in the middle of the night after they showed you up in a one arm push up contest and they enjoyed the hair style and kept it ever since.  

Your poodle hates you because well to be honest everyone hates you, you are a very easy person to hate Brad. Carlos wishes you did have a ghost, then at least you might move out of your house and stop being Carlos' neighbor.  

Your Loving Brother,  

Carlos Fith  

***

From: Psychic
To: Brad Fith

I'm sorry. My mother is not taking cases right now.

***  

From: Brad Fith  
To: Carlos Fith, G Fith, Psychic 

Carlos,  

Does this mean you are not going to help me? We really need to get this reading together quickly. Things are starting to fall apart.  

Sincerely,  

Brad Fith

***


From: Psychic
To: Carlos Fith

DO NOT contact me ANYMORE!


***



From: Carlos Fith  
To: Brad Fith, G Fith, Psychic 


Brad,

Carlos believes that you have made the good sister mad.  Carlos believes this is because you are of substandard intelligence.  Now Carlos thinks you need to get rid of the ghosts yourself.  Carlos will be over later with a bottle of whiskey to get drunk and watch your wife do crazy things.

Adios,

Carlos


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Anonymous
February 13, 2012 at 2:13 AM

THIS TO SISTA BERTHA LANE!!!! REMEMBER YOUR EMAIL .... I DONT KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND YOUR SPIRITS???? WHY DONT YOU CALL UPON THOSE SPIRITS TO REMOVE YOUR BONE ASS UGLY PERMANENT HALLOWEEN MASK???? YOU FAKE ASS NAPPY HEADED FAT OLD AND WASHED UP OBESE LOOKING LIKE THE NAPPY DRIED UP OLD HAIR THAT YOU ARE??? WHY DONT YOU FUCK YOUR DILDO SINCE YOUR ASS COULD NEVER KEEP A GOOD BLACK MAN!!!!! SEE YOU GOT YOUR NAPPY HEADED FAT MAMMY IN THAT PIC BUT WHERE IS THAT GOOD OR EVEN BAD FOR THAT MATTER BLACK MAN BY YOUR SIDE??? YOU ARE A FAKE ASS FAT OLD BITCH AND EVEN IF YOU WERENT I AM PROTECTED AND THERE IS NOT A DAMN THING YOU CAN DO TO ME!!! YOU BETTER WATCH OUT NAPPY HEADED FAT SISTA!!! YOU DONT WANT ME TO CALL ANIMAL CONTROL DOWN THERE TO LOCK YOUR OLD UGLY ASS UP....OR WORSE...READ BETWEEN THAT FAT AND NAPPY!!!! NOW.... T O E V E R Y O N E E L S E!!!!!! DO NOT GIVE THIS THIEF A CENT!!!! SHE IS A FAKE AND SHE IS A CRIMINAL WHO HAS SERVED TIME IN PRISON AND SHE IS A SCAM ARTIST WHO WILL PREY ON YOU!!! IF YOU ARE REALLY WANTING TO FLUSH YOUR MONEY DOWN YOUR TOILET PAY THIS FAT OLD WASHED UP OBESE NAPPY AND I DO MEAN UGLY BLACK ASS BITCH YOUR MONEY!!!! SHE IS A FRAUD AND SHE OBVIOUSLY DOESNT KNOW WHO THE FUCK SHE MESSED WITH!!! SISTA NAPPY FAT BERTHA LANE... WHY DONT YOU USE LOADSSSSSS OF THAT MONEY YOU SCAMMED PEOPLE OF TO GO TO WEIGHT WATCHERS, TO LOSE SAY 200 POUNDS, TO GET SOM RHINOPLASTY, SKIN BLEACK, ASHY SKIN TREATMENTS, MOSKITO BITE SCAR REMOVAL ON YOUR FAT SAGGING LEGS, THERMAGE SKIN REJUVIE FOR ALL THAT SAGGING SKIN, A FACELIFT, LIP REDUCTION, PERMANENT HAIR STRAIGHT TREATMENTS,A BREASTS LIFT, A TUMMY TUCK, A BUTT LIFT, TOE SURGERY TO STRAIGHTEN THOSE CROOKED TOES THAT MATCH YOUR CROOKED ASS, PEDICURE!!!!! LOTS OF DENTAL WORK, AND FROM WHAT YOUR LESBIAN OLD FLAME STATED YOU NEED MUCH VAGINAL REJUVIE WORK DONE FROM THOSE DAYS YOU PROSTITUTED AND SCAMMED JOHNS!!!! AND WHEN YOU GET UP FROM YOUR SEAT FAT ASS NAPPY HEADED FAKE ASS PSYCHIC SISTA BERTHA LANE!!!! YOUR VAGINA SMELLS LIKE FISH AND IT LINGERS IN THE AIR WHICH KNOCKS US OUT WITH THAT STINCH!!! NOW I WONDER IF ITS NOT SO MUCH WHOS BEEN IN THAT LOSE HOLE IN YOUR PREDATED PSYCHIC SPIRITUALIST SCAMMER DAYS....RATHER...WHAT HAS NOT BEEN UP IN IT LIKE, SAY, " A... D O U C H E"?????? YOUR VAGINA SMELLS LIKE A SEWER!!!!! HAVE YOU EVER DOUCHED IN YOUR MISERABLE PATHETIC LIFE????? HAVE YOU EVER??? OMG!!! YOU ALL CAN NOT BELIEVE HOW STINCH AND FISHY THIS FAT ASS OLD NAPPY HEADED HAG SMELLS!!! IT WILL MAKE YOU GAG!!!!! NOW SISTA NAPPY HEADED FAT SMELLY VAGINA BERTHA LANE....YOU THINK YOU CAN SCARE PEOPLE NOT TO GET FUNNY WITH YOUR FAT SMELLY FAKE ASS??? THEN DONT TRY TO GET SMART WITH US BECAUSE YOU ARE A NOBODY WITH A LENGTHY RAP SHEET AND NO CREDENTIALS IN THE OOOOOHHHHHH....SPIRIT WORLD!! YOU ARE A SCAMMER AND I FEEL SO SORRY FOR THE ONES WHO HAD NO ONE TO FOREWARN THEM!!!!! O ANYONE CONSIDERING SENDING THIS FRAUD A CENT... YOU WERE PRIVY TO BE WARNED NOT TO!!!! SHE IS A CRIMINAL AND SHE IS A FRAUD!!! SHE ONLY WANTS YOUR MONEY AND SHE IS IN A LOT OF HOT WATER WITH THE AUTHORITIES FOR ALL SHE HAS ILLEGALLY DONE RECENTLY...MORE CREDIT CARD FRAUD!!! DO NOT THINK OF WASTING YOUR TIME NOR HARD EARNED MONEY...PRAY TO JESUS,EVEN AS I HAVE USED SOME FOUL WORDS...JUST KEEPING IT REAL...BUT JUST GO TO YOUR FATHER IN HEAVEN AND YOU DONT NEED HER NOR ANYONE...SHE IS AN EVIL DECEPTIVE MISERABLE DEMON.

Anonymous
July 28, 2012 at 12:22 AM

It is so good you posted this and other people because I emailed her and she wants me to send her $500 for her consulting fee. She got $75 and after she talked to me for less than 10 minutes she said she felt the spirits of someone jealous of me trying to destroy me and that it could take many rituals. She told me the first will be $500 and that she will do this in private an all I need to be concerned with is to send the money and do everything she says or I will not remove this from my life or future. She said she will need more money for just the costs of certain herbs bags and a doll she said. She said she will consult with me as to how much that will be once she has received the $500. Has anyone ever heard of just sending someone that kind of money up front and no to question? She really told me nothing when I had the reading. She told me she knew I was confused and distraught and that for me to tell her more.Then she just told me what I just said and to send it. This sounds not so good to me. Do you know her? I am really confused what I should do! I dont know anyone who hates me but she did tell me they are very jealous of me and that I dont have to know and that they have cursed me and are blocking me from being happy. What if this is true. I am very worried after reading these posts because I am glad you did but at the same time she told me if I do not get this curse removed everything will fall apart. I already got laid off this year. I really can not afford to send that kind of money. My ex told me I am unattractive to him now and we broke up. He is with someone else but I dont think she did it to me because she doesnt know me. I am very worried about my future and I am torned should I or shouldnt I send this.

July 30, 2013 at 5:02 PM

...where the skies are so blue. Sweet home Alabama. Lord I'm comin' home to you.

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