A Letter to a Forestry Service about Yard Work to Clean Up After a Lunatic Levels the Yard in an Ambien Rage

To ********@gmail.com

To Whom It May Concern,

I need to get a price bid from you for some work I will need to complete soon.I'm hoping you're close enough that you'd be willing to help me out. 

Here's the story. I had an owl in my yard which had been keeping me awake for several nights.  I live in the frozen tundra so it is not unusual to see all kinds of wildlife in my yard from time to time.  I have enough dynamite laying around my house that I don't have a problem dispatching these creatures without much incident. 

This Owl was different.  It presented a number of unique problems. Every night, the beast seemed to wait outside my window until I was ready for bed. Without fail, as soon as I readied for bed and laid my head down on the pillow, the crazed, flying predatory asshole would  begin its infernal nightly mating call ritual.  It was a maddening display of asshole-like behavior.  I began to try several different approaches to remedy the situation. 

I have read that owls are very intelligent creatures so I can only assume the prick was intentionally taunting me. It was enough to drive me crazy.  Last night I'm guessing that I just couldn't take it anymore.  I'm an animal lover so I'm sure I took all the proper precautions not to harm the asshole. The problem is, I don't know if you've ever tried to capture an owl, but it's difficult. 

Due to Ambien, I can't fully explain my decision to cut destroy all of the trees in my yard but now I'm stuck trying to get everything cleaned up before my wife gets home from vacation.  She is angry and typically very well armed. Plus, one of the larger trees fell into the living room and destroyed the television.  To make matters worse, my neighbors are now all filing charges. According to the police report I made quite a display with the chainsaw.  

Please supply me with a rough estimate of the cost associated for removing several dozen large stumps from my backyard and replanting them with trees of similar size? I'd like to make a decision as quickly as possible. I can supply photos if needed. 



To Me:

Hi Brad,

I feel for you and would like to help. Please send some photos of the situation to see what can be done. I hope you got rid of you owl problem.

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