A Letter to an Exorcist About My Wife

To Whom It May Concern,

Hello, I came across your website as part of the research I am doing regarding what I would consider a mild, demonic possession.  I really hope I am just being paranoid.  So far it has been fairly livable but I am trying to nip this thing in the bud before it really swings into full steam. I started noticing things about my wife about a month ago that I considered unusual, even for her.  I have been assured by others that I am over reacting, but I think I may have a problem.

The first of her symptoms is the most disturbing.  She insists on hunting her own food.  One night I awoke at 3:03 AM to an unbelievable scene as I peered through our bedroom window.  I saw her running on all fours, near the edge of the woods, with a little bunny rabbit hanging from her teeth.  She was being followed by a pack of, what looked like, wild coyotes.  Before I could get out of bed and down the stairs the pack had run into the woods and disappeared.  I asked her about it the next day and she, of course, denied it.  With this behavior I worry for the safety of our pet, French poodle Larry.

Also, our therapist doesn't seem to think it's big deal that my wife has painted a scantily clad self portrait on the side of our split-level home.  It only took her about a week but she didn't sleep a wink the whole time.  Every time I tried to get her down to eat she would pee.  In the picture she is giving big thumbs up, only wearing a black leather bikini and drinking a 12 ounce bottle of Coke Classic.  The strange part is that she has never even so much as sketched a doodle; this painting is life like even to the last detail.  I don't want the neighborhood kids knowing that she has a beauty mark on her right, inner thigh! 

I was wondering if you have ever heard of anything like this? She still seems, for the most part, pretty friendly so I am not sure I have anything to be alarmed about as of yet. Anyway, thanks for your time. Hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Brad Fith

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Thomas C****** <******@frontiernet.net> wrote:

Hi Brad,

I just got your e-mail and I will gladly try to sort through with you. Give me a day or so to get back to you with some questions and ideas.

Tom C*****

FSPP

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Dear Mr. C######,

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I haven't been to work in a week.  Ever since I caught her trying to put our poodle into the oven, I have been afraid to leave the two of them alone together.  This is highly odd given that I she has not eaten anything but raw food for the past couple off weeks.  The good news is she is actually eating things from the grocery store again.  The bad news is she just ate an entire New York cut strip steak without cooking it.

I've taken her to the neighborhood sushi bar about a dozen times.  It seems to be the only other thing she will eat.  Anyway, thanks again for your time.

Sincerely,

Brad Fith

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Thomas C****** <******@frontiernet.net> wrote:

Hi Brad,

I must say that by any standards, this is bizarre. I am going to need to ask you a bunch of questions so that we can attempt to figure out what is going on here. Here are some basics: how old is your wife? Do either of you practice a religion? Has she been baptized? Have either of you ever practiced any form of the occult?

Now, when this the odd behavior begin? Did it come on slowly or suddenly? What were the first signs? Have there been unusual disturbances in the house at all, things like objects moving, strange apparitions, etc. Does she ever speak in an odd language or with a noticeable accent? Have you told your therapist about eating raw meat? If so, what does he say about it? There is one inconsistency. if she likes raw meat, why would she try to put the poodle in the oven?

The first thing you need to do is keep a log of any strange activity in the home or any bizarre behavior on her part. If there are any patterns, we need to find them. Get some holy water and sprinkle it on her, yourself and the dog. Tell me how she reacts to it. Does she show an aversion to religious things? Lastly, where do you live?

Once I have some answers, we can explore this more deeply. Good luck.

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Mr. C******,

Sorry it took so long to write you back.  It took a bit for me to receive the holy water I ordered over the Internet from a seller with a high enough customer satisfaction rating.  The good news is that it worked like a charm. I have never seen anyone get so angry in my life. 

Sensing I may have difficultly, I planned my attack with cunning.  I had to wait for the time she would least suspect it.  I threw a cup of holy water at her while she was watching her favorite show, Gilligan's Island.  She jumped out of her chair and began to scream expletives, the likes of which I have never heard.  I thought she was going to grow horns right then and there.  I ordered 36 more gallons of the stuff! 

   

I don't think she speaks any other languages.  To be honest she really doesn't talk that much at all.  She spends most of time in the attic nailing pictures of Larry to the ceiling and throwing hot cups of coffee on anyone who maybe unlucky enough to come by the door.    I really don't think she ever wanted to eat Larry.  I just think she really, really, doesn't like him.  It might be some type of territorial thing.  She is currently working on a new painting using only materials collected from her nose.

Upon your advice, I have contacted several churches to see if they will give us an interview for acceptance.  They must be pretty busy because I have yet to hear from any of them.  To be honest, I don't have a great deal of experience in the matter.  What religion is the best?  My parents were wandering hippies so I didn't get a lot of info on that sort of thing.  You mentioned the occult.  Is that better than a church?  I don't think I have heard good things about them but I will do some further research into the matter.

Sincerely,

Brad Fith

P.S.  I will keep you posted.