tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20741808727102163112024-03-14T03:50:59.696-05:00A Maniac's MailboxEmails, Pranks, Jokes, Puns, Stories, Brad Fith, ComedyBradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-25736097862719337572014-06-16T15:59:00.000-05:002014-06-16T15:59:45.245-05:00New ATM Ideas From a Maniac<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">From: Brad Fith </span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">To: ****, Lindsay<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Subject: ATM Ideas<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Hello Lindsay,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I have an interesting idea and I was told that you were
the one I should contact. From what I understand, you work for the top company
in the automated banking world so I'm sure that you can at least give me
some insight or point me in the right direction. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I've come up with several ideas that would revolutionize
the banking world!!! Most of them came to me in a dream I had a few months
ago. It was my first night at the mental
hospital so I had a lot of time to reflect. Granted at the end of my dream the
ATM ate my French poodle Larry, but the rest if the dream was very insightful.
Larry is fine. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I have designed a prototype. It is an ATM that hands out
money before you even tell it what to do.
Think of the time it will save! Basically, all you have to do is walk up
to it and it will hand you $342.43. Your customer saves time and everyone is
happy!! Then all you have to do is walk inside and let someone know the next
time you go to the bank so they can keep track. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It will also shoot scalding hot ham and eggs at people
wearing hooded swear shirts to help prevent theft. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Please let me know soon. If you give me the green light I
can have designs on your desk by tomorrow morning. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Thanks,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Brad Fith<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">***</span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">From: Brad Fith <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Sent: Monday, June 16, 2014 2:26 PM<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">To: *****, Lindsay<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Subject: Re: ATM Ideas<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I also forgot to mention, my design includes many
features that will be standard in your new line. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">1. There will be a beer holder on the ATM. Customers will
no longer have to sit their beers down while making a transaction. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">2. There will be a nacho dispenser in case your customers
are hungry. I understand that hot cheese and beef might cause some minor burns
and get messy but I feel the risk is worth the reward. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">3. The ATM will be on wheels in case there is an issue. I
want to be able to wheel it in to bank personnel to correct the problems. The
nacho dispenser in my prototype keeps getting jammed so this will come in
handy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I have a patent on all these so please do not use them
without my permission. If you could let me know I'd appreciate it. I can send
you all the pictures and designs for these new products. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Thanks Again,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Brad<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
***</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
To Brad</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
From Matt ********</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
Hello Mr. Fith,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
Please send me your resume. Your ideas sound revolutionary and I will
make every effort to get you in contact with our product design team. I have often pondered what to do with my beer
while using the Automated Teller Machine.
This idea could light this industry on fire. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
Regards,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Matt</span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">***</span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">From Brad Fith</span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">To ****, Matt; ****, Lindsay </span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">What? Is this not engineering? I don't want a job at your
company. I'm sure it's great and all but I
haven't worked since I dismantled my 1984 Ford Escort and sold it for parts on
eBay. I've got plenty of money. I just
don't have a lot of free time to be hanging out all day at ATM machines. I just
want to get this done to make my life easier.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I've attached the design specs for my new ATM. Can you
please forward them to someone in engineering?
They're pretty complex so if they need any assistance have them call me.
Once it's complete let me know and I'll let you know where to ship it to. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Regards,</span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Brad</span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhg6BROw59ckr5lGlXgjzn_ZaDSoIe1Y4RyGbA4VVMYe_zxEF1Fa4aQPHs-1ioPRkGFroNcsguKaen14B-ENq1BqGYgpCCaQfph0jBbmTdyIoo9RnagifUT1rjahXLNlii_GHnrV4wHirI/s1600/image.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhg6BROw59ckr5lGlXgjzn_ZaDSoIe1Y4RyGbA4VVMYe_zxEF1Fa4aQPHs-1ioPRkGFroNcsguKaen14B-ENq1BqGYgpCCaQfph0jBbmTdyIoo9RnagifUT1rjahXLNlii_GHnrV4wHirI/s1600/image.jpeg" height="314" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
***<br />
<br />
From *****, Matt<br />
To Brad Fith<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoPlainText">
Brad,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoPlainText">
Allyson is our head of product engineering and
development. I copied her into this
email so you can direct any inquiries regarding new products to her. Thank you for your time and I wish you luck.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
***</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">From: Brad Fith </span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">To All </span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Thank you Matthew. You've been very helpful. I thought I
was just going to get the runaround like the time my brother
Carlos convinced me that he was going to help me paint my fence. Instead sold my television to an angry,
middle aged manicurist for $25 and cut down my neighbors tree because he wanted
to get some sun and he said it was getting in his way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">You have been much more helpful than him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Allyson,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Did Matt forward you my design plans? If not I can resend
them. I also just had another brilliant idea that can help us appeal more to
the younger demographic. I'm not sure how the licensing would work but what do
you think of the design?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Thanks for your time. Talk too you soon.</span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIUDgjkdZQku-0zDzYmJCMYL2XDmPsX2tiZ31Bl4bq825TH5t7HuPeCDhDFlZPu82xBJE38Lo5WzSAh_-H4ULR-u_LHTBN3Rndp82PqMnoGuFeYjxLRpKCmDAn5JNcrVeueFx9bZEvtAY/s1600/image.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIUDgjkdZQku-0zDzYmJCMYL2XDmPsX2tiZ31Bl4bq825TH5t7HuPeCDhDFlZPu82xBJE38Lo5WzSAh_-H4ULR-u_LHTBN3Rndp82PqMnoGuFeYjxLRpKCmDAn5JNcrVeueFx9bZEvtAY/s1600/image.jpeg" height="320" width="239" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText">
<br /></div>
</div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-1564371817788266472013-11-18T11:41:00.000-06:002015-02-17T11:18:48.294-06:00A Letter to a Forestry Service about Yard Work to Clean Up After a Lunatic Levels the Yard in an Ambien Rage<span class="to" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384795079523_1884" style="background-color: white; display: inline; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px; left: 0%; margin-left: 0px; width: auto;">To </span><span class="lozengfy" data-action="contact-card-menu" data-address="frontenacforestry@gmail.com" data-name="frontenacforestry@gmail.com" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384795079523_1894" style="background-color: #e8e8ed; border-bottom-left-radius: 4px; border-bottom-right-radius: 4px; border-top-left-radius: 4px; border-top-right-radius: 4px; border: 1px solid transparent; cursor: pointer; display: inline-block; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px; max-width: 380px; padding: 1px 3px; z-index: 1;" title="frontenacforestry@gmail.com">********@gmail.com</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;">To Whom It May Concern,</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;">I need to get a price bid from you for some work I will need to complete soon.I'm hoping you're close enough that you'd be willing to help me out. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;">Here's the story. I had an owl in my yard which had been keeping me awake for several nights. I live in the frozen tundra so it is not unusual to see all kinds of wildlife in my yard from time to time. I have enough dynamite laying around my house that I don't have a problem dispatching these creatures without much incident. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;">This Owl was different. It presented a number of unique problems. Every night, the beast seemed to wait outside my window until I was ready for bed. Without fail, as soon as I readied for bed and laid my head down on the pillow, the crazed, flying predatory asshole would begin its infernal nightly mating call ritual. It was a maddening display of asshole-like behavior. I began to try several different approaches to remedy the situation. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;">I have read that owls are very intelligent creatures so I can only assume the prick was intentionally taunting me. It was enough to drive me crazy. Last night I'm guessing that I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm an animal lover so I'm sure I took all the proper precautions not to harm the asshole. The problem is, I don't know if you've ever tried to capture an owl, but it's difficult. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;">Due to Ambien, I can't fully explain my decision to cut destroy all of the trees in my yard but now I'm stuck trying to get everything cleaned up before my wife gets home from vacation. </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;">She is angry and typically very well armed. Plus, one of the larger trees fell into the living room and destroyed the television. To make matters worse, my neighbors are now all filing charges. According to the police report I made quite a display with the chainsaw. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;">Please supply me with a rough estimate of the cost associated for removing several dozen large stumps from my backyard and replanting them with trees of similar size? I'd like to make a decision as quickly as possible. I can supply photos if needed. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;">Thanks,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;">Brad</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;">***</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>
<b>To Me:</b><br />
<div>
<br />
Hi Brad,<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I feel for you and would like to help. Please send some photos of the situation to see what can be done. I hope you got rid of you owl problem. <br />
<br />
Andy</div>
</div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-70974960000316935272013-11-15T17:49:00.003-06:002015-02-17T11:20:36.893-06:00A Letter to an Animal Psychic About an Unusual Owl Problem<div class="thread-item-header" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384556095861_2826" style="cursor: pointer; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<div class="contents" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384556095861_2825" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(236, 236, 236); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; height: auto; margin-left: 27px; margin-right: 27px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 0px 6px;">
<div class="recipients" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384556095861_2828" style="margin-right: 70px;">
<span class="to" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384556095861_2840" style="display: inline; left: 0%; margin-left: 0px; width: auto;">To </span><span class="lozengfy" data-action="contact-card-menu" data-address="janel@theanimalpsychic.com" data-name="janel@theanimalpsychic.com" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384556095861_2827" style="border: 1px solid transparent; cursor: pointer; display: inline-block; padding: 1px 3px;" title="janel@theanimalpsychic.com">****@********.com</span></div>
<span class="loader"></span><br />
<div class="loz" style="-webkit-transition: opacity 0.2s; opacity: 0; position: absolute; transition: opacity 0.2s; z-index: 2;">
<span class="btn btn-contact lozenge small left right" data-action="contact-menu" style="-webkit-user-select: none; border-bottom-left-radius: 2px; border-bottom-right-radius: 2px; border-top-left-radius: 2px; border-top-right-radius: 2px; cursor: pointer; display: inline-block; font-size: 1.1rem; margin: 0px 6px 0px 0px; max-width: 380px; padding: 0.35385em 0.84615em; position: relative; text-align: center; vertical-align: middle; z-index: 1;"><a dir="" href="http://us-mg6.mail.yahoo.com/neo/launch?.rand=2128567696&action=showLetter&umid=2_0_0_1_11672_AD8bDUwAAAhmUoaYEQAAAB0%2FzcM&box=Inbox&src=hp&referer=www.yahoo.com#" role="button" style="color: black; margin: 0px; outline: none; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 4px; text-decoration: none; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;" tabindex="-1" title=""></a></span></div>
</div>
<div class="thread-info" style="color: #777777; position: absolute; right: 45px; top: 9px;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="thread-body" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384556095861_2819" style="margin: 0px 27px; overflow-x: auto; overflow-y: hidden;">
<div class="body undoreset" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384556095861_2818" style="font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px; padding-left: 0px; padding-top: 12px;">
Hi J*****,<br />
<br />
I'm hoping you could give me a some input for a paper I am working on regarding the procedures for properly capturing and removing an owl. I was just doing a little research via Google and your website popped up first so I thought I'd shoot you a line. I live in the St. Louis area so I hope you'd be familiar with the native wildlife. I'm just wanting to understand the behavior patterns of a certain beast so I can better describe it in my writing.<br />
<br />
My inspiration came a few weeks ago when I noticed a rather large owl perched in the tree across from my window. At first I thought it was really cool, like in all the Native American legends of the wise and powerful owl. Unfortunately the owl was not wise at all. Turns out he's an obnoxious and dangerous predator that has been trying to eat my French poodle Larry since he arrived in our neighborhood. To make a long story short I have been trying to get rid of him for quite sometime.<br />
<br />
So far all of my efforts to remove the creature have failed. I spent the better part of an evening removing the trees from my yard hoping it would go away. It did not. I think it just pissed him off. Plus my brother was not happy after one of the larger trees crushed his 1974 Dodge Dart. I have no idea where the owl is living now but it has since heightened it's efforts to procure Larry for a meal and hoots outside of my window keeping me awake all night. I've also set up several dozen traps around the property but was forced to take them down after I mistakenly leveled the shed.<br />
<br />
Please let me know any information that might be relevant. I will of course provide the proper attribution.<br />
<br />
Thanks,<br />
<br />
Brad</div>
<div class="body undoreset" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384556095861_2818" style="padding-left: 0px; padding-top: 12px;">
<div style="font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;">
***</div>
<div style="font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
</div>
<b>j*****@********.com</b><br />
<br />
Hi Brad,<br />
<br />
I can't really do a reading unless you have a headshot<br />
of him/her where I can focus on the eyes.
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Try this site <a href="http://www.owlpages.com/" target="_blank"><span style="color: #196ad4;">http://www.owlpages.com/</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">They have a piece of my artwork on their site,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">but they are also "owl experts".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Good luck and keep a close eye on your pup!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Thanks, Janel<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
***</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Segoe UI', sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Hi J****,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Segoe UI', sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Thank you for the quick
response. The owl was again reigning down terror upon us last night. When I
went out to photograph him the angry sky rodent swooped down and nearly
decapitated poor Larry before flying off into the night. Luckily Larry was able
to fend the bird off by rolling over and peeing on himself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Segoe UI', sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Since I couldn't get a
photograph of the owl I went ahead and drew a picture of the creature. Will
this assist you in helping me find a solution to my problems. I'm sorry I'm not
a very good artist. Please notice the blood around its talon and fang area. I
included that so you know how dire the situation is. Let me
know. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Segoe UI', sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Thanks,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Segoe UI', sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Brad <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Segoe UI', sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Segoe UI', sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjFg_iPYVF5sEjwGiFBmdao2i0zpGnoklwT4zqsRVUYuCRBN797W14jEuCbqo8Qp49tjM-fMh1eRGHK9uYvHUO0NEEtAPl6PQUspTTnv5slnto17-ZorH-QMgju9cI5do_LLYMGaIbVdE/s1600/owl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjFg_iPYVF5sEjwGiFBmdao2i0zpGnoklwT4zqsRVUYuCRBN797W14jEuCbqo8Qp49tjM-fMh1eRGHK9uYvHUO0NEEtAPl6PQUspTTnv5slnto17-ZorH-QMgju9cI5do_LLYMGaIbVdE/s320/owl.jpg" height="320" width="241" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Segoe UI', sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Segoe UI, sans-serif;">***</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Segoe UI, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: 'Segoe UI', sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">janel@theanimalpsychic.com</span></b><span style="font-family: 'Segoe UI', sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Segoe UI', sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">To Me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Hi Brad,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Very funny drawing. Have you called animal control?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">How about the forestry service?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Thanks, </span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">J****<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Segoe UI', sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
***<br />
<br />
<div id="yui_3_13_0_10_1384556095861_8" style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-top: 0.1em; padding: 0px;">
Hi J*****,</div>
<div id="yui_3_13_0_10_1384556095861_8" style="background-color: transparent; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-top: 0.1em; padding: 0px;">
<br id="yui_3_13_0_10_1384556095861_27" /></div>
<div id="yui_3_13_0_10_1384556095861_8" style="background-color: transparent; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-top: 0.1em; padding: 0px;">
I would have called animal control but my brother burned that bridge along time ago when he released a few hundred rats at our local Denny's. It was an accident but our relationship with the organization has been strained ever since. I didn't think of the Forestry Service but that is a good idea. I'll shoot them an email to see what they think. I'll let you know how it turns out and send you a copy of my paper if I ever get the thing done. I'm hoping it will be a story of conquest and triumph. Although, if Larry is carted away to his untimely, grotesque death my prose will be quite somber. If I can snap a picture of the predator I'll let you know. </div>
<div id="yui_3_13_0_10_1384556095861_8" style="background-color: transparent; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-top: 0.1em; padding: 0px;">
<br id="yui_3_13_0_10_1384556095861_32" /></div>
<div id="yui_3_13_0_10_1384556095861_8" style="background-color: transparent; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-top: 0.1em; padding: 0px;">
Thanks,</div>
<div id="yui_3_13_0_10_1384556095861_8" style="background-color: transparent; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-top: 0.1em; padding: 0px;">
<br id="yui_3_13_0_10_1384556095861_37" /></div>
<div id="yui_3_13_0_10_1384556095861_8" style="background-color: transparent; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 0.1em; margin-top: 0.1em; padding: 0px;">
Brad</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="body undoreset" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384556095861_2818" style="font-family: monospace; font-size: 13px; padding-left: 0px; padding-top: 12px;">
<div class="thread-item-header" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384556095861_2911" style="cursor: pointer; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;">
<div class="contents" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384556095861_2910" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(236, 236, 236); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; height: auto; margin-left: 27px; margin-right: 27px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 0px 6px;">
<div aria-label=" This email is not starred" class="icon flag " data-action="thread-item-flag" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; cursor: pointer; display: inline-block; font-family: mail; font-size: 2rem; height: 16px; line-height: 1em; opacity: 0.1; padding-right: 0.3em; position: absolute; right: 16px; speak: none; top: 6px; vertical-align: -18%; width: 16px; z-index: 5;" title=" Click to mark as important">
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-weight: 700;">j****@********.com</span></div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="thread-body" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384556095861_2902" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; margin: 0px 27px; overflow-x: auto; overflow-y: hidden;">
<div class="body undoreset" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384556095861_2917" style="padding-left: 0px; padding-top: 12px;">
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-86412230478721187022013-11-13T23:47:00.000-06:002013-11-13T18:02:08.229-06:00A Letter to an Exorcist About My Wife <div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">To Whom It May Concern,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Hello, I came across your website as part of the research I am doing regarding what I would consider a mild, demonic possession. I really hope I am just being paranoid. So far it has been fairly livable but I am trying to nip this thing in the bud before it really swings into full steam. I started noticing things about my wife about a month ago that I considered unusual, even for her. I have been assured by others that I am over reacting, but I think I may have a problem.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">The first of her symptoms is the most disturbing. She insists on hunting her own food. One night I awoke at 3:03 AM to an unbelievable scene as I peered through our bedroom window. I saw her running on all fours, near the edge of the woods, with a little bunny rabbit hanging from her teeth. She was being followed by a pack of, what looked like, wild coyotes. Before I could get out of bed and down the stairs the pack had run into the woods and disappeared. I asked her about it the next day and she, of course, denied it. With this behavior I worry for the safety of our pet, French poodle Larry.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Also, our therapist doesn't seem to think it's big deal that my wife has painted a scantily clad self portrait on the side of our split-level home. It only took her about a week but she didn't sleep a wink the whole time. Every time I tried to get her down to eat she would pee. In the picture she is giving big thumbs up, only wearing a black leather bikini and drinking a 12 ounce bottle of Coke Classic. The strange part is that she has never even so much as sketched a doodle; this painting is life like even to the last detail. I don't want the neighborhood kids knowing that she has a beauty mark on her right, inner thigh! </span><br />
<span style="line-height: 14.4pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="line-height: 14.4pt;">I was wondering if you have ever heard of anything like this? She still seems, for the most part, pretty friendly so I am not sure I have anything to be alarmed about as of yet. Anyway, thanks for your time. Hope to hear from you soon.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Sincerely,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Brad Fith</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">***<br />
<br />
Thomas C****** <******@frontiernet.net> wrote:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Hi Brad, </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">I just got your e-mail and I will gladly try to sort through with you. Give me a day or so to get back to you with some questions and ideas. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Tom C*****</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">FSPP</span><br />
<br />
***</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Dear Mr. C######,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Thank you, thank you, thank you!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">I haven't been to work in a week. Ever since I caught her trying to put our poodle into the oven, I have been afraid to leave the two of them alone together. This is highly odd given that I she has not eaten anything but raw food for the past couple off weeks. The good news is she is actually eating things from the grocery store again. The bad news is she just ate an entire New York cut strip steak without cooking it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">I've taken her to the neighborhood sushi bar about a dozen times. It seems to be the only other thing she will eat. Anyway, thanks again for your time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Sincerely,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Brad Fith</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
***<br />
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Thomas C****** <******@frontiernet.net></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"> wrote:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Hi Brad,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">I must say that by any standards, this is bizarre. I am going to need to ask you a bunch of questions so that we can attempt to figure out what is going on here. Here are some basics: how old is your wife? Do either of you practice a religion? Has she been baptized? Have either of you ever practiced any form of the occult?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Now, when this the odd behavior begin? Did it come on slowly or suddenly? What were the first signs? Have there been unusual disturbances in the house at all, things like objects moving, strange apparitions, etc. Does she ever speak in an odd language or with a noticeable accent? Have you told your therapist about eating raw meat? If so, what does he say about it? There is one inconsistency. if she likes raw meat, why would she try to put the poodle in the oven? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">The first thing you need to do is keep a log of any strange activity in the home or any bizarre behavior on her part. If there are any patterns, we need to find them. Get some holy water and sprinkle it on her, yourself and the dog. Tell me how she reacts to it. Does she show an aversion to religious things? Lastly, where do you live? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Once I have some answers, we can explore this more deeply. Good luck. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
***</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Mr. C******,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Sorry it took so long to write you back. It took a bit for me to receive the holy water I ordered over the Internet from a seller with a high enough customer satisfaction rating. The good news is that it worked like a charm. I have never seen anyone get so angry in my life. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Sensing I may have difficultly, I planned my attack with cunning. I had to wait for the time she would least suspect it. I threw a cup of holy water at her while she was watching her favorite show, <span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif";">Gilligan's Island</span>. She jumped out of her chair and began to scream expletives, the likes of which I have never heard. I thought she was going to grow horns right then and there. I ordered 36 more gallons of the stuff! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">I don't think she speaks any other languages. To be honest she really doesn't talk that much at all. She spends most of time in the attic nailing pictures of Larry to the ceiling and throwing hot cups of coffee on anyone who maybe unlucky enough to come by the door. I really don't think she ever wanted to eat Larry. I just think she really, really, doesn't like him. It might be some type of territorial thing. She is currently working on a new painting using only materials collected from her nose.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Upon your advice, I have contacted several churches to see if they will give us an interview for acceptance. They must be pretty busy because I have yet to hear from any of them. To be honest, I don't have a great deal of experience in the matter. What religion is the best? My parents were wandering hippies so I didn't get a lot of info on that sort of thing. You mentioned the occult. Is that better than a church? I don't think I have heard good things about them but I will do some further research into the matter.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Sincerely,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Brad Fith</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">P.S. I will keep you posted. </span></div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-45306968392207813682013-11-13T16:34:00.001-06:002015-02-17T12:01:45.182-06:00A Letter about Gas Prices, Second Attempt<div class="thread-item-header" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_2755" style="cursor: pointer; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<div class="contents" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_2754" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(236, 236, 236); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; height: auto; margin-left: 27px; margin-right: 27px; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 0px 6px;">
<div class="recipients" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_2760" style="margin-right: 70px;">
<span class="to" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_2759" style="display: inline; left: 0%; margin-left: 0px; width: auto;">To </span><span class="lozengfy" data-action="contact-card-menu" data-address="bpconsum@bp.com" data-name="bpconsum@bp.com" style="border: 1px solid transparent; cursor: pointer; display: inline-block; padding: 1px 3px;" title="bpconsum@bp.com">#######@##.com</span></div>
<span class="loader"></span><br />
<div class="loz" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_2753" style="-webkit-transition: opacity 0.2s; opacity: 0; position: absolute; transition: opacity 0.2s; z-index: 2;">
<span class="btn btn-contact lozenge small left right" data-action="contact-menu" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_2756" style="-webkit-user-select: none; border-bottom-left-radius: 2px; border-bottom-right-radius: 2px; border-top-left-radius: 2px; border-top-right-radius: 2px; cursor: pointer; display: inline-block; font-size: 1.1rem; margin: 0px 6px 0px 0px; max-width: 380px; padding: 0.35385em 0.84615em; position: relative; text-align: center; vertical-align: middle; z-index: 1;"><a dir="" href="http://us-mg6.mail.yahoo.com/neo/launch?.rand=9jdf8o6mt1lms#" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_2757" role="button" style="color: black; margin: 0px; outline: none; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 4px; text-decoration: none; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;" tabindex="-1" title=""></a></span></div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="thread-body" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_2681" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px 27px; overflow-x: auto; overflow-y: hidden;">
<div class="body undoreset" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_2680" style="padding-left: 0px; padding-top: 12px;">
<div id="yiv2143911684">
<div id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_2683">
<div id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_2682" style="color: #3f3f3f; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 18px;">
<div class="yiv8030303710" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_10115" style="color: black; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
Hello ##,</div>
<div class="yiv8030303710" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_10118" style="color: black; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
</div>
<div class="yiv8030303710" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_10119" style="color: black; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
I think my previous email must have been misfiled because I have not heard back from you regarding my request. I just wanted to check in to see if you had come up with any information for possible meeting times. I had requested a meeting with whomever is in charge of setting the prices of gasoline in North America because I find him to be a mean and cruel person who seems intent on holding me down and forcibly sodomizing every dollar he can out of my already tender and swollen orifice. I think if he just talks to me for a minute we can be friends and I can convince him that lowering gas prices is the way to go. I am available via conference pretty much any day of the week that you could fit me in.</div>
<div class="yiv8030303710" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_10119" style="color: black; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="yiv8030303710" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_10119" style="color: black; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
I don't mean to be a bother but I am planning on leaving my wife soon so I am going to need all the money I can save. She is evil (perhaps possessed by some satanic force) so she will no doubt rake me over the coals. Gas prices do seem to be going down at the moment. That's great but I am still terrible with money so I’d like to save where I can. I am just looking for any additional info you can give me. At very least please supply me with coupons for either gas or your tasty sandwiches. </div>
<div class="yiv8030303710" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_10145" style="color: black; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
</div>
<div class="yiv8030303710" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_10146" style="color: black; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
Thanks,</div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
</div>
<div class="yiv8030303710" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_10147" style="color: black; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="yiv8030303710" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_10147" style="color: black; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">
Brad</div>
</div>
<div id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_2750" style="color: #3f3f3f; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 18px;">
<br /></div>
<div id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_2750" style="color: #3f3f3f; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 18px;">
***</div>
<div id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_2750" style="color: #3f3f3f; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 18px;">
<br /></div>
<div id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_2750" style="color: #3f3f3f; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 18px;">
<div class="yiv7530697655MsoNormal" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9445" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; padding: 0px;">
<span id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9444" style="font-family: 'Courier New'; font-size: 10pt;">The Service Request with SR#: '<span id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9443" style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">1-653881623</span>' has been created.</span></div>
<div class="yiv7530697655MsoNormal" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9446" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<span id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9449" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: 'Courier New'; font-size: 10pt;"></span><br />
<div class="yiv7530697655MsoNormal" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9448" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; padding: 0px;">
<span id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9449" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: 'Courier New'; font-size: 10pt;"><span id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9447" style="font-size: 10pt;">This email has been automatically generated in response to your inquiry. We will be following up to your request. If your inquiry is immediate in nature, please call the appropriate number below and reference the above SR#.</span></span></div>
<span id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9449" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: 'Courier New'; font-size: 10pt;">
<div class="yiv7530697655MsoNormal" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9582" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="yiv7530697655MsoNormal" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9451" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; padding: 0px;">
<span id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9450" style="font-size: 10pt;">If you wish to supply additional information or check on the status of your inquiry, please reply to this email or contact us via phone.</span></div>
<div class="yiv7530697655MsoNormal" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9581" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="yiv7530697655MsoNormal" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9452" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10pt;">Thank you,</span></div>
<div class="yiv7530697655MsoNormal" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9453" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="yiv7530697655MsoNormal" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9454" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; padding: 0px;">
<span id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9586" style="font-size: 10pt;">Business Service Center</span></div>
<div class="yiv7530697655MsoNormal" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9588" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; padding: 0px;">
<span id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9587" style="font-size: 10pt;">Consumer Relations:</span></div>
<div class="yiv7530697655MsoNormal" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9589" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="yiv7530697655MsoNormal" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9589" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="yiv7530697655MsoNormal" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9589" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="yiv7530697655MsoNormal" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9589" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; padding: 0px;">
***</div>
<div class="yiv7530697655MsoNormal" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9589" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="yiv7530697655MsoNormal" id="yui_3_13_0_1_1384380177466_9589" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; padding: 0px;">
No Further Reponse</div>
</span></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-34164632726834100952013-11-11T13:15:00.001-06:002015-02-17T11:59:57.187-06:00Letter to a Psychic About Location My Brother, "Hey, He's not Dead! Why Would you Say That?!?!"<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><b>To:</b> Psychic Medium ###### </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><br />
<b>Subject:</b> Inquiry About Your Psychic Service</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
Hello Ms. #####,<br />
<br />
I've been doing a great deal of research and I believe you can help me with my
problem. I hope you don't mind that I'm emailing you but I came across your
website and I'm really at my wits end. I live in St. Louis so I'm just a short
distance away. I've been I in frequent need of a psychic so this could be a good arrangement.<br />
<br />
Here's my problem, my brother Carlos has hidden a great deal of my money and
now that he is gone I can't seem to locate it anywhere. Knowing him he probably spent
most of it on large barrels of scotch whiskey, comic books or pirate themed
carnival rides but I really have no way of knowing unless I talk to him.<br />
<br />
I've already checked all of his normal hiding spots but my neighbor is getting
angry that I keep digging holes in his yard. Any insight you could give me
would be much appreciated.<br />
<br />
Thank,<br />
<br />
Brad Fith<br />
***<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 12pt;">
<span style="color: #454545; font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">From:</span></span><span style="color: #454545; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">##### </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Brad give me a few days
to see if anything comes to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">D#####<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
***<span style="color: #454545; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #454545; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><b>From Brad: </b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #454545; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thank you so much!! If
you get ahold of him please let me know. I'm sure he's someplace laughing at me
right now. Please tell him that only a lunatic would find this type of
practical joke funny!! Granted, I don't think he planned on departing so
abruptly but I still feel the joke was in poor taste. Oh and one more thing,
tell him that I deleted all of episodes of 'Storage Wars' on the DVR.
They were taking up space and he will not need them anymore. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #454545; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
</span>Brad<o:p></o:p></div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-65904032867943254172013-08-02T12:21:00.001-05:002015-02-17T12:02:56.742-06:00Dismantled Car, Bear Attack in the Woods<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"></span></div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">To Whom It May Concern,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Could you send me the blueprint for a 1982 ford escort? I came home from vacation yesterday and my brother had dismantled mine and hid all of the parts in the woods behind my house. I finally found them all but now I have to figure out a way to get them back together. He pretty much took off every single nut and bolt. It was a pain finding them all, especially since he was following me around the whole time throwing chunks of raw fish at me. At first I couldn't understand why he chose raw fish. I could think of countless things that would have been a more effective means of torture and served him better as comedic aide as he recounted the story to his friends. That was before I was chased for several miles by a large bear and pecked many times by several species of birds. Carlos thinks he is quite the comedian.</span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Putting the vehicle together has proven to be quite difficult. Any help would be appreciated.<br /><br />Thanks, </span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Brad Fith</span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">***</span></div>
<div>
<b>RE: Web Site - ####### Customer Service</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Dear Mr. Fith,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Thank you for taking the time to contact us. on our website, we do offer several different type of repair guides which you can access by creating a ####### account. However, we do not have the actual blueprints for a given vehicle. In this situation, we would advise you to contact the manufacturer of your vehicle for further assistance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Thank you for your business.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">RC</span></div>
</div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-4834365599567272862013-08-02T09:35:00.000-05:002015-02-17T12:00:57.834-06:00, Shark Hunting in a Seal Suit With a Swiss Army Knife<b>To ######'s Customer Service:</b><br />
<br />
<div>
To Whom It May Concern,</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am hoping you could give me some advice on shark hunting apparel. I've recently taken up hunting the beasts as a hobby but it would seem as if I'm going about this in the wrong fashion as I have already nearly been eaten 6 or 7 times. The chum I've been using seems to be overly effective and with that much blood in the water it's very difficult to see while I'm diving. Also, the net I made from my wife’s bathrobe is apparently not nearly big enough to effectively capture a shark. Those assholes are much bigger than they look on the Discovery Channel. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Yesterday I had to fight a pack of the giant, ugly bastards away with my Swiss Army knife. I think they were Great Whites but, admittedly, I have limited knowledge of aquatic life. Either way, the things were huge and had sharp teeth. Could you please recommend to me a good hunting setup that would fit onto my 10' fishing boat? I would like to know specifically what to do the next time a group of large sharks swims up to attack me in the open water. Also, are there any alternative for attracting sharks other than covering myself in in cow’s blood and dressing in a seal suit? My wife said that’s the best way.<br />
<br />
Thanks,<br />
<br />
Brad</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #454545; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">***</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #454545; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #454545; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">Hello Brad,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #454545;">I am sorry we do not carry clothing specific to shark hunters. I do not have any suggestions or any other manufacturers who maybe able to assist you.</span><br /><br /><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;"><span style="color: #454545;">Thank you for visiting #####.com</span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="color: #454545;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background: white; color: #454545; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="background: white; color: #454545; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">and come back soon!<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span><span style="color: #454545; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /><br /><span style="background: white;">Sincerely,</span><br /><span style="background: white;">Chris H.</span><br /></span><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-28411388571226176682013-08-01T10:14:00.000-05:002015-02-17T11:35:48.732-06:00A Letter to a Yard Cleaning Service to Quote Cleaning Up After My Brother Carlos<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">To ######## Stl:</span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Hello Mr. *****,<br /><br />I was wondering if you'd be willing to give me a price quote on an unusual situation. Let me just start out by saying that I feel ridiculous even asking this question.<br /><br />Here's the situation; my brother has always been an eccentric but his recent behavior has made me consider having him involuntarily committed. He spends pretty much everyday drinking whiskey and shooting his gun at bats in the backyard. That's nothing new. He's been doing that for years. Thank god we live in the suburbs so no one really notices. The real problem is that he has now taken to relieving his bowels in my front yard when he gets drunk. He says it too hot to go inside to use the bathroom. It was fine the first few times but now the entire yard is covered in foul smelling land mines. I refuse to clean it up and every time I ask him about it he just gets mad then goes out and does it again. It's maddening!!!<br /><br />Is this type of service something you can help me with? I'd be willing to pay top dollar given the circumstances.<br /><br />Thanks,<br /><br />Brad Fith</span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">*</span>**<br />
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Brad,<br /><br />Interesting situation, but I'm afraid it's not the weirdest thing we have had to deal with.<br /><br />I would quote it as a once per week with a very big dog which is $16 per week.<br /><br />However, since you mention that he is drunk and shooting guns, that is not a situation I would put one of my Techs into.<br /><br />Good luck.<br /><br />K** ******<br />D****** STL<br /><br /><a href="mailto:ktipton@doodycalls.com">******@d*****.com</a><br /><a href="tel:1-314-910-0813" x-apple-data-detectors-result="1/1" x-apple-data-detectors-type="telephone" x-apple-data-detectors="true">1-314-***-**** STL</a> Office<br /><a href="tel:1-800-366-3922" x-apple-data-detectors-result="1/2" x-apple-data-detectors-type="telephone" x-apple-data-detectors="true">1-800-</a><a href="tel:1-314-910-0813" x-apple-data-detectors-result="1/1" x-apple-data-detectors-type="telephone" x-apple-data-detectors="true">***-****</a> National Call Center</span><br />
<div class="gmail_quote">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<br />
<blockquote class="gmail_quote" style="border-left-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-left-style: solid; border-left-width: 1px; margin: 0px 0px 0px 0.8ex; padding-left: 1ex;">
<br /></blockquote>
</div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-46963700131068316052013-07-29T07:00:00.000-05:002015-02-17T11:36:38.641-06:00Psychic Offers to Help Brad Find a Troublesome Ghost...Then Gets Really Angry<div style="color: black;">
<b>To:</b> Psychic</div>
<div style="color: black;">
<br />
Dear Psychic,<br />
<br />
I am currently in search of a spiritual adviser. I am hoping this person will fulfill certain short comings in me and wife's life. She doesn't speak much and has recently stolen the neighbors microwave. It was a nice microwave but we wouldn't have much use for it so I had her return it. Most of my friends think she is possessed. I feel she is just not a very nice person. Either way I would like a professional to evaluate the situation. <br />
<br />
I would like some advice. Being a novice, I am not quite sure where to begin. I had an unusual upbringing and as a result my parents never offered any religious guidance. They traveled with a vagrant clan of desert carnival workers. My exposure to most religions was limited to the occasional unorganized fire dance and livestock sacrifice. I don’t consider watching a bearded woman get drunk and lead a prayer circle with the guy that runs the dunk tank a fulfilling experience. She normally only prayed if she was planning on juggling chainsaws or jumping a motorcycle over a pit of alligators or something of that nature. I'm not sure who she prayed to but it seldom worked. <br />
<br />
Perhaps you can help me find a religion, preferably one that can perform a simple exorcism. I only have one fear. My brother Carlos told me that there are some religions that to become a member I would have to find the tears of rattle snake and to wrestle a tiger for his fangs. I am pretty sure he was joking but I am looking for one that does not require such acts. I do not feel that my wife, although a proven hunter, has the time or the patience to collect these items. She angers easily and does not like snakes. Also, it is a good idea that I stay close to holy water at all times due to my wife's condition. Do you think you could help me out? <br />
<br />
I see you also do Voodoo. That could come in very handy as there are quite a few people that I dislike. <br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
<br />
Brad Fith<br />
<br />
*** <br />
<br />
<b>From: </b>B.Lane <br />
<b>To:</b> Brad Fith </div>
<div style="color: black;">
<br />
Brad you will need to get a reading before I can begin working with you. I need to see what the spirits say. <br />
<br />
*** <br />
<br />
<b>From: </b>Brad Fith <br />
<b>To: </b>Psychic</div>
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Dear S********, </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Thank you for your quick response. Sure, getting a reading is no problem at all. Where do I get one of those? I am fairly certain my house is haunted so I should be able to find a spirit somewhere. From what I have observed they are not talkative but I will surely give it a try. The only thing they seem to like to do is watch television, curse a lot and drink my whiskey. Friendly they are not. Is this something I can handle by myself or should I enlist the help of my brother Carlos?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Thanks, </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Brad Fith </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">*** </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;"><b>From:</b> Brad Fith </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><b>To: </b>Psychic; G Fith, Carlos Fith </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Carlos and Greg, </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">I have contacted a Spiritual Adviser about my problem. I think I need to have you help me do a reading at once. It seems like every few days something else happens to make me realize that I have a serious problem!! Last night I bought the Ouija board as you suggested. Nothing happened...at first. But I think I unleashed some kind of foul demon that has blackened the very core of my existence. Here is the story. </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Yesterday I was in the front yard trying to cut down the light pole. Carlos, I know I've complained about it before but for Greg's reference it shines right in my bedroom window. No one from the transportation department seems to know who put it there so they gave me permission to remove it. This is much more difficult than you might expect without the proper tools. I found that out the hard way but that is another story. </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">It was dusk. I was outside trying to figure out how I was going to get the thing cut. I was drenched in sweat. It was one of the hottest days of the year. Suddenly, I could feel someone's eyes digging into my back. Chills went up my spine as my mouth went dry. I turned slowly. My eyes met Larry's. He was looking at my through the living room window. His eyes seemed to glow from intensity. This is not the same dog I once knew. The window was open, I could hear him snarl at my every move. After several minutes of posturing I finally turned to continue working. This was a mistake. Just as I raised my large handcrafted woodsman axe Larry ran out of the house and bit hard on my ankle. His legs carried him swiftly across the grass, faster than I have ever seen him move. He is very strong for a French poodle. He wouldn't let go!! His teeth dug in like I was a Beggin' Strip. I fell to the ground. The harder I shook the more he tightened his grip. I think he could taste the blood and he liked it. He liked it a lot. </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">From there things quickly got worse. I felt an explosion of pain, as if my head had blown up, followed by the gentle ooze of something warm streaming down my back. Out of nowhere eggs had started flying at me. It was yoke. One of them had hit me square in the back of the head. I struggled to turn only to see the Swiss Nazis that live across the street!! They had seen the commotion and decided to capitalize on it. This is worse than when they occupied France. I'm so glad we won the war! I couldn't imagine if those little maniacs had taken over. These Nazis aren't even full grown and they are downright evil!!! </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">I was blinded by eggs and fur. That's when the door to my house flew open. It was my wife! As far as I was concerned she was bathed in angelic light, around her head a halo hung. She stood holding a broom in the doorway. My savior had finally come. She ran towards us, full sprint. </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">This is when thing went from worse to downright depressing. She did not hit the poodle or the Nazis. She hit me!! She was fully nude, laughing like a banshee and repeatedly hitting me in the head. She hit me with passion and vigor. There was spit coming from her mouth with every blow. Her eyes were empty and crazy. I haven't seen her show so much emotion in a long time. Sure, it slightly turned me on but what in the hell was going on?!?! </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">I don't even remember how I escaped. When I awoke I was nude and in the turnip garden. My ankle was bleeding, my head was throbbing and I was covered in egg yolk. Worst of all my sunglasses were lost and my cigarette was no longer lit. </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">What in the world is going on around my house!?!?! There are evil spirits, ghouls and horrible beast spewing evil and making everyone crazy. You are a couple of smart guys. Help me figure this out and get this reading to the good sister so I can get this taken care of!!! Do you have any suggestions? </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Thanks, </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Brad Fith </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">*** </span><span style="color: black;"><b> </b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;"><b>From: </b>Carlos Fith </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><b>To: </b>Brad Fith, G Fith, Psychic </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Brad, </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Carlos is not amused. Carlos would like you to stop with all this ghost nonsense. Carlos believes that you have an angry wife problem and Carlos believes that she might be cheating on you. Carlos witnessed on Wednesday June, 22 at 2:53:34 p.m. a pool cleaning van pull up to your house and two men came out of the front of the van and another from the back. It was about 3:47:13 that Carlos realized Brad does not even own a pool but Mrs. Fith seemed generally happy with whatever job they had done. </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Carlos would also like to say that backing into a light pole with your car while singing 'Sweet Home Alabama' is not what the transportation department had in mind when they gave you permission to remove the light pole. Your neighbors are not Swiss Nazis, you just think that because you thought it would be a good idea to shave their heads in the middle of the night after they showed you up in a one arm push up contest and they enjoyed the hair style and kept it ever since. </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Your poodle hates you because well to be honest everyone hates you, you are a very easy person to hate Brad. Carlos wishes you did have a ghost, then at least you might move out of your house and stop being Carlos' neighbor. </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Your Loving Brother, </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Carlos Fith </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">*** </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;"><b>From:</b> </span>Psychic<br />
<span style="color: black;"><b>To:</b> Brad Fith </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">I'm sorry. My mother is not taking cases right now. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">*** </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;"><b>From:</b> Brad Fith </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><b>To:</b> Carlos Fith, G Fith, </span><span style="color: black;">Psychic </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Carlos, </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Does this mean you are not going to help me? We really need to get this reading together quickly. Things are starting to fall apart. </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Sincerely, </span><span style="color: black;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Brad Fith </span><br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="color: black;"><b><br />
</b></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="color: black;"><b>From:</b> Psychic</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="color: black;"><b>To:</b> Carlos Fith</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="color: black;">DO NOT contact me ANYMORE!</span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">***</span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: black;"></span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><b>From: </b>Carlos Fith </span><span style="color: black;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><b>To: </b>Brad Fith, G Fith, Psychic</span><span style="color: black;"> </span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"></span></span><br />
<div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;">Brad,</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"></span></span></div>
<div id="yui_3_2_0_5_1310177752941252">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span id="yui_3_2_0_5_1310177752941249">Carlos believes that you have made the good sister mad. Carlos believes this is because you are of substandard intelligence. Now Carlos thinks you need to get rid of the ghosts yourself. Carlos will be over later with a bottle of whiskey to get drunk and watch your wife do crazy things.</span></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;">Adios,</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;">Carlos</span></span></div>
</div>
</div>
<br />
<br style="color: black;" />Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-528291303062259382013-07-25T19:31:00.000-05:002013-07-31T13:38:06.740-05:00JC Meet Maniac Looking for a Massage, (Next Time Don't Publish Your Email Address as a Male Masseuse)<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: #333333;">To: jcnjcn1@mchsi.com</span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black;">To Whom It May Concern,</span><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black;">I am leaving St. Louis and will be staying in the Springfield area from May 23 - May 27 on business. I would like to visit your establishment but I always write to make sure that certain accommodations can be made for my handicap. It is an easy request and I hope we can work together. <br />
<br />
I was born with a very large and cumbersome head. My head is nearly three times the size of a normal head. Yes, I am like all of those guys you have seen pictures of whom look like they are carrying balloons for their children; only when you look at the picture long enough you realize that it is really their head. I love my head, but there are those who think that it looks funny. They frequently make faces and harass me. It has been a constant burden. Even something as simple as getting a haircut also poses horrifying problems. A simple trim can take several hours and my barber generally charges me extra.</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 14.4pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="line-height: 14.4pt;">Here are the things I will need from you: </span><br />
<span style="color: black;">
<br />
I would like for your staff not to point and stare at my head. It makes me uncomfortable. Furthermore, my head is my business. On occasion I have been poked with sticks so people can see if my head is actually real. I assure you that it is. There will be no need to poke me with anything. Also, I will pay extra if your staff will not attempt to tip me. Yes my head is big. Yes it is much easier to tip me over. Please don't. <br />
<br />
I would also like an attendant to be extra careful to keep the ice machine operational. Sometimes during warmer weather my head swells and I really like to keep it packed with ice at all times. The last thing I need is for my head to get any bigger. <br />
<br />
If this poses any problem please let me know so I can make other arrangements. <br />
<br />
Sincerely, <br />
Brad Fith </span><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
***</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">How did you get this e-mail address for a spa?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">jcn</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
***</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: #333333;">To: jcnjcn1@mchsi.com</span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Hello JC,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Do you do massage therapy? I am just a little confused. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Sincerely,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Brad Fith </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
***</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: #333333;">To: jcnjcn1@mchsi.com</span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">JC,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">OK I get it. You retired and are no longer in the massage therapy business. You, however, seem like a nice enough guy. With your connections, can you at least help me locate someone in the area? I will pay top dollar for a good mud bath and hot towel treatment, given someone can find a big enough towel to fit over my head.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Please help me out.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Brad Fith </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
***</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Brad,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">First of all I'm not trying to be rude here. I would like to know where you got my e-mail address. What is it address associated too? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">***</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-size: small;">To: jcnjcn1@mchsi.com</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Dear JC,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">I am a little bit confused. I have never had this many problems trying to book a spa appointment before. I can only assume that it has to do with my handicap. I have dealt with this type of prejudice before, and I am sure it will not be the last time. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Back in high school I had a bully named Leroy. He was the son of a Jewish doctor and very popular with the ladies at West Sturgeon High. He also had quite a sense of humor. He used to think it was funny to put my head in a vice grip during shop class. To make matters worse my teacher, Mr. Freehand, would encourage him by calling the class over to stare and laugh. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Once, Leroy put super glue on my hands and made me grab my cheeks. It was a dark day in my life. I was forced to take drastic measures to preserve my dignity. I spent the entire day acting like I was doing an impression of Macaulay Culkin in the popular <i>Home Alone</i> movie franchise. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">I just think it would be nice if you could be honest with me. I wish there was something I could do to change your mind. It might be a big step for handicap people everywhere. You're right, I guess the reason I exist is so people like you and Leroy can perform experiments on me like you're the next Josef Mengele. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">You could at least be honest. Are you the owner? I would like to know what he thinks about this. If you could pass me his e-mail address I would appreciate it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Sincerely,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Brad Fith </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">***</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">I really don’t need to know about your head. If you could answer the question about the e-mail address. How did you get it? In a magazine is what I’m getting from you? </span><span style="color: black; font-size: small;">"Prejudice" I assure you sir I’m not in the least bit interested in your handicap. You help me & I will see what I can do to find you some reference to a Spa.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Thank you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">***</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-size: small;">To: jcnjcn1@mchsi.com</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Dear JC,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">My wife just left me for Japanese sushi chef named Chuck. He is a nice fellow but he has terrible acne and he is missing an eye. So please, allow me access to your spa. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Although I am upset, I am almost grateful about my wife. Lately she was spending most of her time trying to light the house on fire and leaving droppings in my dress shoes. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">At first I thought it was funny. Then, I thought she was possessed. I came to this conclusion after I had returned home from the local Lizard of the Month Club's semi weekly Symposium and she had covered the walls with mashed potatoes saying that she was trying to keep the Jesus from hearing her thoughts. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">I don’t know what else I could have done to accommodate her. I was already sleeping out on the patio because she claimed that with her new wolf like senses I smelled like a piece of tender beef. She said this made her very hungry. I slept outside in a sleeping bag during some of the worst snow storms the state has ever seen. Do I get a thank you? No. Instead she runs off with Chuck.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">There has been good to come out of this situation though. My French poodle Larry is very happy. On several occasions she tried to put him in our neighbor’s daughter’s Easy Bake Oven. I guess our neighbor’s daughter is probably pretty happy as well. Still, I thought, with therapy we could work things out. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">If I sent pictures of my head do think you could pass them on to your boss? Maybe he would show some compassion. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Sincerely,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Brad Fith</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;">***</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Well Brad it sounds like your life really sucks. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">From what I can tell ol' Chuck isn't getting enough fish at work. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">The replies I've sent you are just one question that you chose not to answer. Instead you want to send me stories on how your lousy life is affected by not being able to be booked at a spa. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">I hope you can get this through your Thick skull (no Pun intended). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Does this place you obtained this e-mail address have a phone number attached to it? What’s the name of the Spa? Did it ever occur to you to pick up a damn phone and call this spa? I hope you find what you’re looking for. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Maybe you could send me pictures of your wife instead.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Because sir, I am the Boss. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">This will be my last response to you so there is No need to respond anymore.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Have A Good Day (no pressure).</span></div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-49684963662781458592013-07-23T20:41:00.000-05:002015-02-17T11:39:22.518-06:00An Unusual Request<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To: </span><a href="mailto:reservations@thebreaker.com" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">reservations@######.com</a><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">To Whom it May Concern, </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">My wife and I would like to stay at your hotel from 1:13pm on Friday January 25th thru 8:47am Thursday January 3rd. I like the Palm Beach Florida community and visit it quite frequently. My wife has never gone with me because she suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder and is very worried about the safety of her belongings. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">So after much debate I finally made her a deal. </span><span style="color: black; font-size: small;">I am going to disassemble our 1989 Ford Escort in the parking lot and reassemble it in our room. Housekeeping would not have to clean it; of course we would maintain the vehicle while it was in our room. Although I know nothing about cars, I don't think I will have that much trouble as long as I remember where each piece goes when I take it off. We will not damage anything in the room by doing this. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;"><br />
My wife would also need the following accommodations:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">- She would like the front door thoroughly cleaned daily at precisely 5:22am or pm. </span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">- She would like a Grapefruit delivered to the room at 7:18 am. </span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">- She would like the telephone to be made by Southwestern Bell. <br />
- She would also like the housekeeper to be named Linda. (I realize that you my not have anyone on your staff named Linda so I will supply anyone you send up with a name tag that says "Linda" for her.) </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Please have the understanding that OCD is a serious illness and I have to do what I can to accommodate her. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Sincerely, <br />
Brad Fith</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin-bottom: 12pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;"><br />
***<br />
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Dear Mr. Fith, </span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: small;"><br />
Subject: Re: Before I reserve I have a question <br />
From: Ciara </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">I fear that the 1989 Ford Escort would not fit in any of our bedrooms, and would of course cause some problems if you wanted to stay at The Breakers. We would be happy to have your car parked in our Valet Car Park where you can see it from your room at all times. Would this provide a solution? </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Thank you for your interest in The ######. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;">Sincerely, <br />
Ciara </span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: small;"> Reservations Manager </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-56602449214671479582013-07-19T19:05:00.000-05:002015-02-17T11:41:45.760-06:00The ##### Salt Company, "I'm Up to a Carton a Day"<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<b style="line-height: 14.4pt;">To:</b><span style="line-height: 14.4pt;"> ##### Salt</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">To Whom It May Concern,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">I have sampled many salt products but yours is by far the best in both quality and texture. I think I may be addicted!!! Before I came across your product my diet was drab and listless. There were days I just didn't want to go on eating. Then it happened. A friend of mine suggested I give your Morton Salt brand iodized salt a try. Instantly, I was hooked. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">I began using your product after my morning workouts. I would have three tablespoons and my usual can of avocado juice (with a twist of lime and salt garnish). It was great. A began to find myself thinking about it at all hours of the day. I suggested it to several of my friends who were equally impressed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">It was so good I was eating it straight from the bottle. It wasn't long after that your salt had replaced my breakfast entirely. Now I am up to almost carton a day. I am no doctor, but I feel better than I have in years! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Please send me any coupons and promotional material that you feel would be relevant. Also please consider me for any loyal customer programs that might apply. Please send this message up to upper management and let me know when they have been properly thanked.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Sincerely,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 14.4pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Brad Fith</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<br />
***<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">From:</b> Angela</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Thank you for contacting Morton Salt.</span> <br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">We would be happy to send you a coupon. <br />
<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Angela <br />
##### SALT<br />
Consumer Affairs<br /></span></div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-9271537072543815402013-07-17T10:34:00.000-05:002015-02-17T11:42:52.870-06:00My Idea to Drink 19 Gallons of Tasty Whiskey in One Sitting<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Courier Final Draft";">To: #######@#######s.com<br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Courier Final Draft";"><b>Subject: Drinking Record</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Courier Final Draft";">To Whom It May Concern, </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Courier Final Draft";">I am writing because I am a big fan of you product and was wondering something. Do you have a loyal drinkers program set up for those who go above and beyond the call of a drinker’s responsibility? <br />
<br />
Here is my plan: <br />
<br />
I am going to attempt to get into the Guinness Book of World Records as the only man to ever drink 19 gallons of whiskey in one sitting. This may seem like a lot until you think about it. if I start at 12:00 midnight and end 12:00 midnight the next day I would only have to drink a little under a gallon per hour. That seems easy. <br />
<br />
I have also petitioned to have my name changed to Drinky McDrunky. I feel that this name will help to give me credibility in my cause. <br />
<br />
Could you mail me back any information you have on others who have attempted anything like this? <br />
<br />
Thank You,<br />
Brad Fith</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Courier Final Draft";"></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Courier Final Draft";">
***</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Courier Final Draft";"><br />
<b>From: "########" <#########@##########.com><br />
Subject: Re: Drop Us A Line at Jack Daniel's </b><br />
<br />
Hello Brad, </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Courier Final Draft";">Thanks for dropping us a line. <br />
<br />
We use a statement on our Web site and in other places that says: "Your friends at ######## remind you to drink responsibly." What you're proposing wouldn't exactly adhere to the reminder in our statement. <br />
<br />
Regards, <br />
John </span></div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-70572383360541259172013-07-12T13:24:00.000-05:002015-02-17T11:41:04.875-06:00The Festival of Carlos<strong>To:</strong> Reservations@########.com<br />
<br />
Hello,<br />
<br />
Carlos says to you good day. He hopes this email finds you doing well. Carlos has been doing much research on the history of his people. Carlos considers the Alamo of one of the greatest victories in the history of the Mexican military. The anniversary of this glorious battle is quickly approaching. If possible Carlos would like to bring his group and hold an event to celebrate this occasion.<br />
<br />
We will party. Carlos will call it The Festival of Carlos.<br />
<br />
We are 157 strong. The event will be Grande. We will build a campfire in the garden, juggle, jump rope, fight with sticks and rocks, dance to disco music, drink much tequila and roast a succulent piece of swine upon which we will feast. Carlos drinks only the finest of tequila. Carlos will be loving women of all sorts. These things will be supplied by Carlos. Do you have rooms allocated for such an event?<br />
<br />
We would like to plan this fiesta for August 8th from dusk until the dawn of the morrow. We will handle all cleaning. You will never know Carlos had been there. Please send information on room rental. We will need to rent at least 3 meeting rooms and hotel rooms for all. Carlos has never been to the Alamo but we will party as though we have just won the battle. Please include all the prices in both US dollars and Pesos. Carlos is very wealthy and will pay top dollar.<br />
<br />
Carlos is looking forward to working with you.<br />
<br />
Your Friend,<br />
<br />
Carlos Fith<br />
<br />
***<br />
<strong>From:</strong> Jean<br />
<strong>To:</strong> Carlos<br />
<br />
Hello Carlos,<br />
<br />
We are a small hotel and do not have the space to accommodate this type of event. I wish you a great time!<br />
<br />
Best Regards,<br />
Jean #########<br />
Director of Sales & Marketing<br />
Phone: 928-###-#####<br />
Fax: 253-###-#####<br />
<br />
<br />Carlos Fithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16587518891617746174noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-61473595767937046212013-07-10T10:30:00.000-05:002015-02-17T11:24:11.174-06:00My Application to Become a Ghost Hunter<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Amy,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I came across your website as part of research I have been involved with. I was shocked that there was an organization such as yours so close to St. Louis. I feel P***** is a strong well regarded organization. I would like to offer my services to your team. Hopefully my duties would be to assist with tracking down and disposing of any unruly ghosts. I have a keen eye for the paranormal and I am an eager and quick learner. After living with a ghost I can honestly say that I really dislike them. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Additionally, my friends joke that I must have been born with no adrenalin glands because it is very difficult to scare me. My brother Carlos has tried many times to rattle me and has never succeeded. As a joke he once hid in my bedroom closet, with the lights off, for several hours. When I arrived home he jumped from the closet and lunged at me with a knife and a lit cigarette. Was I scared? No. I just turned on an episode of Matlock and went to bed. I have been more scared of some of his dates. They all seem to resemble Ernest Borgnine.<br />
<br />
For this reason I believe I can catch many ghosts. Although I offer no prior qualifications or pedigree, I will do what it takes to get the job done. If necessary, I would even wrestle with a ghost until they are too tired to continue haunting and then I will catch them. Again, I speak from experience when I say that I truly hate them. They are not very smart. I will be able to trick them. I am very clever. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">My point is that I think that I will make an excellent addition to your team. Please email me and let me know of any open positions and where I can apply. I could be a trusted ally in the fight against the paranormal. I live in Lake St. Louis so I can be available as needed. Thank you for your time. Hope to hear from you soon.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><br />
Thanks,<br />
<br />
Brad Fith</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">***</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">From:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"> Amy</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">To:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"> Brad</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Brad, </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Thank you for your email to P*****. We are currently not accepting new members, however, if you would like me to send over an application for future consideration let me know. There are several other local teams, which may or may not be accepting new members, but as we don’t network with any of them I am unable to point you in one direction or another on that. <br />
<br />
Thanks, <br />
Amy<br /></span></span></div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-56892967915734033232013-07-08T16:37:00.000-05:002015-02-17T11:37:44.946-06:00Dinner Reservations, Maniac Party of OneTo Whom It May Concern,<br />
<br />
I would like to visit your <span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1310160441_6">St. Charles</span> location and I am very eager to give you my business. However, I feel I should write you and explain my condition before I stop in unannounced. It has caused me problems in the past and I would like to make sure I don’t run into the same issues in the future.<br />
<br />
Here is my problem. Since I was very young I have suffered from terrible halitosis. I have really bad breath. It is very embarrassing. I have been to several doctors and a few dentists and no one can seem to help me. They all perform countless tests and procedures and then tell me there is nothing they can do. <br />
<br />
When I try to cover it up, the problem deepens. It gets so bad sometimes that no one can stand to be in the same room as me. Last Christmas is a perfect example. My sister was eating and I was standing across the room. I was minding my own business in the spacious room, about 30 feet away from her. Everyone was having a great time, talking and laughing. <br />
<br />
Then I exhaled. <br />
<br />
The room was quickly filled with a pungent stench. Everyone gagged. She threw up all over her plate of food. I ruined Christmas for my whole family. I felt horrible. <br />
<br />
As a result of my condition I don't get out of my house much. I would, however, like to make a trip out to dine at your restaurant. I think if you sat me facing a wall the problem would be minimal. Perhaps if my breath is still a problem I could sit in a closet or even the bathroom if needs be. I will do what it takes to ensure that your other guests are not disturbed but I cannot guarantee anything. <br />
<br />
Please let me know one way or the other.<br />
<br />
Thanks,<br />
<br />
Brad<br />
<br />
***<br />
<strong>From: </strong>B#######<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"></span><br />
<div>
Brad, </div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
I don't see this to be a problem for us here at Ethyl's. We have lots of places in the dinning room, game room, patio, volleyball tables for you to sit at.</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<br />
You can let us know were make you more comfortably dinning out us.</div>
<div>
</div>
<div id="yui_3_2_0_5_1310160449899128">
<div id="yui_3_2_0_5_1310160449899127">
<span family="SANSSERIF" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span family="SANSSERIF" id="yui_3_2_0_5_1310160449899137" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">Thank You<br />
####### #########<br />******'s ########<br />
*****************<br />
<span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1310160441_0">####### MO #######</span><br />
Rest. <span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1310160441_1">636-***-****</span><br />
Office <span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1310160441_2">636-****-****</span></span></div>
</div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-49173301655644825142013-07-05T22:13:00.000-05:002015-02-17T11:27:52.392-06:00Pet Psychic meet Maniac #1, Maniac #1 Meet Pet PsychicNicole,<br />
<br />
I have a rather unusual problem I am hoping you can help me with. I came across your website by chance so I am thinking this maybe fate! I have an African Grey parrot named Ivan. He is three years old. I have raised him since he was a young chick and he has always been a very good pet.<br />
<br />
Here is the situation. I had to leave town on business for a few weeks and had to leave him in the sole care of my wife. As the story goes, by accident she left a Richard Simmons: Sweating to the Oldies workout video playing while she went out with her friends one night. She ended up staying at her friends overnight and then going out on the lake the next day. Apparently the DVD has an auto-start feature. Poor Ivan must have watched the same video for nearly 32 hours!!<br />
<br />
To make a long story short, he is no longer the quiet, shy bird that I once knew. He is a talking machine! It took me 2 years to teach him “Polly wants a cracker.” Now he sounds just like Richard Simmons. This is quite embarrassing because I have been doing quite a bit of work with the clergy and spiritual advisers. My parrot yelling at me to “work those buns” while I’m on the phone is hard to explain to a man of the cloth. To make matters worse my wife thinks it’s funny so she put him in a tiny, hand designed Richard Simmons outfit.<br />
<br />
My brother Carlos does not share her viewpoint. Just so you know how desperate the situation is, he says he wants to put Ivan in the oven. They have been getting into shouting matches since he has learned to speak and it reached a boiling point yesterday. I had to restrain Carlos as he was trying to attack poor Ivan. I know he was serious because later I found an open recipe book on the counter. He was going to make Ivan into a tikka masala!!!!<br />
<br />
Please help!!! Is there any way to teach him not to speak? At this point I am desperate. Money is no object!!<br />
<br />
Thanks,<br />
Brad Fith<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
From: Nicole<br />
<br />
Hi Brad,<br />
<br />
Where are you located? First of all, if the bird is not safe, which is sounds like he’s not, you need to rehome him or find a safe place immediately. If you are anywhere I can help, I will, I know a lot of people.<br />
<br />
I can tell Ivan not to talk but he is not going to understand why this is bad and so it’s unlikely to stop. I also feel horrible telling him not to talk or his life is in danger, that’s no way to live. African grey’s are notorious talkers and this is what makes then beloved among people. The more people react to his talking the more he will do it because he thinks you are playing with him. It honestly is not fair to the bird to have him in this situation and if you can’t control Carlos, you should get Ivan somewhere that he can be free and happy.<br />
<br />
Grey’s are very intelligent and I can tell him to stop, but he is just playing and having fun and trying to have a life.<br />
<br />
My bird says all sorts of things and I also have religious people around, but no one should take to heart what a parrot is saying. They are like children and they don’t know what they’re doing.<br />
<br />
Where are you located? At least I can try to help you find somewhere for Ivan to go until everyone settles down. You could also try playing him some children’s DVDs in the meantime & maybe he will pick up words you are more comfortable with.<br />
<br />
Keep me updated & I will do what I can. :-(<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
<br />
Nicole<br />
<br />
--<br />
<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
A Letter From ******** Pet Products<br />
Subject: Ivan - Parrot, Unusual Conditioning<br />
<br />
Hi Brad,<br />
<br />
Wow, you got quite a story and situation here.<br />
<br />
Here are my suggestions for your challenges:<br />
<br />
#1<br />
<br />
To change an undesirable conditioning, in this case certain phrases, you are required to re-condition with desirable conditioning at "equivalent intensity".<br />
<br />
So select a video or tape, filled with phrases that you do want your parrot to know/say, and run that video/tape for 48 hours non stop. See if Ivan picks up the nicer language and replace his vocabulary. Make sure the phrases you WANT him to learn are pleasant to listen to and repetitive.<br />
<br />
If you cannot find a video/tape that fits your need, you can always record a tape or video yourself. This way, it is customized to your liking. Add pleasant music in the background to make it a positive reinforcement for Ivan.<br />
<br />
#2<br />
You can explain your story to the man of the cloth. If he cannot understand it, he is not worth the cloth.<br />
<br />
#3<br />
Have a sense of humor about it, though DO do something about it. Perhaps this is the lesson Ivan is offering you all. The divine teaches in mysterous ways, through life experiences.<br />
<br />
#4<br />
Not sure what is the deal with your brother, as in why he is so angry. If murder is on his mind, then perhaps his problem is much bigger than an innocent bird with saucy language.<br />
<br />
#5<br />
Perhaps before you recondition your parrot, record Ivan and his new language in a video, tell the back story, and send it to "America's Funnest Video" and you may win some money! Or you tube.<br />
<br />
Best of luck! Pearl.<br />
<br />
Gentlecare Natural Pet Products<br />
Healing Without Toxins: Advanced Holistic Pet Health Solutions<br />
<br />
P*******<br />
Animal Wellness Consultant<br />
Website:*********<br />
Email: <a href="mailto:info@gentlecarepet.com">info@********</a><br />
Tel: *********<br />
Port *********, Canada<br />
Office hours: Mon-Fri 9am-6pm (PST)Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-53762417238054441562013-07-05T21:29:00.000-05:002015-02-17T11:43:33.571-06:00Yogurt <div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
Dear Yogurt Man,<br />
<br />
Thank you for making such a wonderful product!!!! It is not only great to eat but it has many other uses as well. Due to my age increasing the past few years I have taken drastic measures to stay fit and stay young. Bathing in your Thick n’ Creamy Key Lime yogurt is the best thing I have ever done for my skin!!! Your yogurt is all I eat for every meal, sometimes pounds at a time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
Also I feed it to my French Poodle by the tub load. He loves it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
I only have one complaint. I heard on CNN that yogurt was supposed to be good for you. I have gained 52 pounds last month and really have nothing to blame but the creamy, Key Lime goodness. Larry, my French poodle, has also gained considerable weight. He looks like a giant, hairy football with legs. I can send you pictures if you like.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
I am not mad and I surely will not stop purchasing your product. I feel it is unmatched in texture, taste and bathe-ability. My question is this, is this type of rapid weight gain common amongst passionate yogurt users? Is there anything I can do to possibly curb the negative effects?</div>
<div style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
Hope to hear from you soon. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
Thanks,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
Brad Fith</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
***</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: black;">Dear Mr. Fith: </span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: black;">Thank you for contacting Yoplait with your inquiry. For information regarding proper dieting we would recommend to contact a healthcare professional for accurate information.</span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: black;">We hope you find this information helpful. Please let us know if we can help you again.</span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: black;">Sincerely,</span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: black;">J##### #######</span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
Consumer Services</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black;"></span></div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-49873811255005832052013-07-05T11:30:00.000-05:002015-02-17T11:44:46.013-06:00My Own Home Movie<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<em><strong><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">To: ###### Productions</span></strong></em></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To Whom It May Concern,<br />
<br />
I would like to enlist your help filming a video that I think will be very entertaining. <br />
<br />
I would like to film myself winning the lottery. I have bought many tickets and I am sure that I have at least one winner. If I have done the math correctly I have a 1 in 3 chance of winning. <br />
<br />
I would like video documentation of my surprised look as I am winning. I will be sending this video to all of my friends, most of which I will never want to talk to again. I would take care of the filming myself but I do not own a video camera.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Please let me know quickly as I will win <span class="yshortcuts2"><span id="lw_1309882824_1">on Thursday</span></span>. I only ask that we belay payment until I have collected a portion of my winnings.<br />
<br />
Thanks,<br />
<br />
Brad Fith</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><strong><em>From: ##### Productions</em></strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hello Brad Fith,<br />
<br />
Thank you for contacting #### Productions. We will respond to your email within 4 business hours or less. If you would like to speak with us immediately, please contact us at <span class="yshortcuts2"><span id="lw_1309882824_0">(###) ###-#####</span></span>.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />***</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><em><strong>From: Brad</strong></em></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ok but please hurry. </span>According<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> to my calculations I will only win the lottery twice. I may also need to enlist your help as I film them crying when they first discover I am rich and they are not.</span></span></span>Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-36620247378388152542013-07-05T08:20:00.000-05:002015-02-17T11:47:59.191-06:00A Letter About My Exploding Toilet<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> #######'s Customer Service</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To Whom It May Concern, </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My brother Carlos thought it would be funny to hook my brand new American Standard toilet bowl up to a high pressure water hose and blow me off in my darkest moment. Now the video is all over the internet. Please let me know how this is even possible. He said someone at your store in Wentzville, MO gave him the idea. Is this typical for your employees?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thanks,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Brad Fith</span><br />
<br />
***</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><strong>From:</strong> Lori L.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><strong>To:</strong> Brad Fith</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Good Afternoon Brad,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I'm very sorry to hear about this experience. Our employees do provide assistance with our products. The issue you had is not typical advice that we would provide to our customers. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I've forwarded your e-mail to the Wentzville, MO store management team for assistance. They'll contact you within 24 hours via e-mail. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If you have additional questions or comments please reply to this e-mail. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thank you, </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Lori L.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">######'s Customer Care</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">*** </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Lori, </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thanks you for your assistance in this matter. However, I am less interested in the employee and more interested in how I can get back at my brother Carlos. He is the one to blame and he is completely mental. I would like some ideas on possible ways I can return the favor. If this fellow has anymore brilliant schemes or thoughts on pranks it could help me out. Please brainstorm as I am drawing a blank. I am quite handy with tools so the sky is the limit. All ideas would be much appreciated. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thanks,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Brad Fith</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">***</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">From:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Stephanie </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Brad</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Brad Fith,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We apologize for your experience, but unfortunately this situation doesn't involve #####'s. Please let us know if we can be of future assistance.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Stephanie #######</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">ASM Administration</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">######, MO Store ####</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
*** </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">From:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Brad</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Stephanie</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Hi Stephanie,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"How did you learn how to do that?" I said as I was disinfecting myself after being covered with toilet water.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"The guy at the hardware store," Carlos said while he was holding a video camera and laughing at me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Brad Fith</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">***</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">From:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Brad</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To:</span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Stephanie</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Stefanie,</span><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I just wanted to give you an update. I have finally gotten my revenge on my brother for his heinous prank. Since you were unable to help me I asked the guy at ###### who gave me several good ideas.</span><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I built a Mobile Homemade Pie Shooting Cannon in my basement. When Carlos came over last week it worked like a charm. I shot 453 home baked pies at him, his car and several dozen at the Swiss Nazis' house across the street. He was covered in pies, bleeding and completely humiliated. It didn't stop there.</span><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He also hates snakes. While he was away for awhile I built a large Snake Dropping Device in his house, directly over his bed to be exact. This device is motion operated and was programmed to go off a few seconds after he went to bed. I filled the device with several dozen little snakes I bought from various pet shops across the St. Louis area (none poisonous). It was also very effective. The snakes fell directly on his head while he was trying to watch an episode of <i>The Cosby Show</i>. He screamed like a little baby. Ha! He says he is still finding snakes all over his house. I have both these incidence on digital video if you would like to see them.</span><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I am writing because I have a feeling he will be back over there looking for more ideas to get me back. Please tell your employees not to assist him. He is very crafty and resourceful. Please give me some assurance. I haven’t been able to sleep. </span><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thanks,</span><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Brad Fith</span><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
***<br />
<br />
<strong><span style="font-size: large;">If Lowes Can't Help Perhaps ######### Can</span></strong><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #333333; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">To: ########## Customer Service</span></span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">To Whom It May Concern,</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My brother Carlos thought it would be funny hook my American Standard toilet bowl up to a high pressure water hose and blow me off in my darkest moment. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The video is all over the internet. Please let me know how this is even possible. </span><span style="color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Thanks,</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Brad Fith</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">***</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<strong>From:</strong> <span style="font-family: Calibri;">#####</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">To:</b> Brad Fith</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Hello Mr. Fith,<br />
<br />
I received your email <span class="yshortcuts"><span id="lw_1309888827_10">on June 14, 2011</span></span> regarding the issues you have with your toilet. This email is just to follow up with you so that I may further assist you regarding this matter.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Please let me know if there may be a better way to reach you so that we may reach a resolution as soon as possible.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Once again, thank you so much for contacting ####### and I look forward to communicating with you soon.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
<br />
######l #######<br />
The ###### - Store Support Center ? Customer Service<br />
<br />
Resolution Expeditor</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">***</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">From:</b> Brad Fith</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Hello #####,<br />
<br />
I just wanted to let you know that I have resolved this issue. Thank you as you were very helpful but I simply visited the store in Wentzville. The ideas your employee gave me regarding construction of a pie shooting apparatus and snake drop were very inventive. Not only did they work like a charm but the video is new a smash hit on the Internet. Could you please pass along my compliments to upper management for hiring such a friendly and helpful staff? I believe his name was Chad or Matt or perhaps Bryan. He was a tall, balding fellow with a goatee.<br />
<br />
Thanks,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Brad Fith</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">***</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"></b><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">From:</b> #####</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Hello Mr. Fith,<br />
<br />
We appreciate you taking the time to forward your kind words! Our company was built on the core value of providing excellent customer service. We are glad to hear that you received this kind of service from this associate.<br />
<br />
We will forward your comments to the Store Manager of the <span class="yshortcuts"><span id="lw_1309888827_0">Wentzville</span></span> ###### store. Thank you again, for taking the time to let us know that we exceeded your expectations.<br />
<br />
If you need any further assistance or have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me at the number below or reply to this email.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
<br />
###### #####<br /><br />
<br />
Resolution Expeditor<br />
<span class="yshortcuts"><span id="lw_1309888827_1">2</span></span></span></div>
</div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-53764351224493018022013-07-02T19:21:00.000-05:002015-02-17T11:33:14.327-06:00Mannequin Madness<div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b><i>to </i></b></span><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982252" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982251" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982249" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982247" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982245" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982243" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982242" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982240" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982238" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982236" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982234" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b><i><a href="http://www.mannequinmadness.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" style="color: #0c050e;"><span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1309651750_1">www.#################.com</span></span></a>:</i></b></span><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" style="color: #0c050e;"><br />
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
To Whom It May Concern,</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I just wanted to take a minute to shoot you a note about your fine product. I don't think enough people stop and take the time to compliment good work when they see it. It took me a bit of research to find that you’re the main supplier of fine high quality mannequins to The GAP. I have such an interesting story I had to seek you out to tell you. You made my day and really set the tone for the rest of my weekend.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Here is the story. I live in <span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1309651750_5">St. Louis</span>. I decided to drop by The GAP because I was shopping for a new pair of camouflage pants and not having much luck. I want to go out this weekend and my only pair got stuck in a chainsaw. Carlos was angry. He dislikes shopping, particularly the mall. He is generally pretty angry anyway. Suddenly, I had the distinct feeling that someone was watching me. Carlos inched closer to me.</div>
<div id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982265" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
"I feel like someone is watching me," he said.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
"I've got the same feeling," I said.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I could see in Carlos' eyes that he was going crazy trying to figure it. His eyes were wide and bloodshot as they slowly danced across the store, his senses peeked. Then I don't know what happened. He must have caught a glimpse of the mannequin out of the corner of his eye. The next thing I knew he had tackled it. I panicked, I thought he had taken down sales clerk. I ripped Carlos off the dummy and pulled him to his feet. At first I thought he had completely dismembered the poor sales clerk as I saw limbs sprawled all across the floor. That's when we realized that it was not a sales clerk at all. Ha! </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Initially the staff was very angry. Then we explained the story. He really thought it was someone staring at him. After a good laugh they actually gave me a 20% discount on my pants. I really don't know how to thank you. You gave me a good laugh and saved me money. That's not a bad deal at all. What an unbelievable day!!!!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982272">
Please pass this note along to your designers. I would love to support your business. Do you make any other products? Let me know. I am now your #1 fan!!! Please let me know that the designers have been properly thanked on my behalf.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Thanks,</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Brad Fith </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
***</div>
<div>
<br />
<b><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">From Barb:</span></i></b></div>
<div>
</div>
<br />
Thanks Brad. But we don't supply <span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1309651750_0">mannequins</span> to the Gap, we recycle the Gap's mannequins that they no longer need :)<br />
<br />
<span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982252" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982251" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982249" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982247" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982245" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982243" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982242" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982240" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982238" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982236" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309651756982234" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: 'Marker Felt'; font-size: xx-small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" style="color: #0c050e;">Barb XXXXXX </span><span class="yiv1613432108Apple-style-span" style="color: #0c050e;"><br />
<span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1309651750_2">510 444 XXXXX</span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-14262999079229842102013-06-30T22:11:00.000-05:002013-07-31T11:30:03.665-05:00A Letter to Crayola About ! Maniacs Love of Silly PuttyTo Whom It May Concern,<br />
<br />
I am writing to compliment your company and your fine line of products, in particular your silly putty. I have been a lifelong silly putty enthusiast. Having tried and sampled nearly every available silly putty on the market I feel I am an authority on the subject. I have even won an award for one of my better putty sculptures. For my winning project I had spent several weeks building a life like bust of my favorite American ex-President Calvin Coolidge comprised entirely of your putty. It was completely lifelike and accurate to the last detail. The judges were quite taken with it. He was sitting on a log and smoking a fine pipe, all made of putty! I can't thank you enough!!!<br />
<br />
I would like to also submit to you the idea of a Silly Putty Cook Book. I have invented some truly unique and tasty dishes. I can give you sample recipes if you like. I have a few hundred but I could have more by the time of publication. I spend a lot of time in the kitchen.<br />
<br />
Thanks again and keep up the good work!!! Please send me any new product or information or related products that you think I may find interesting. Hope to hear from you soon. <br />
<br />
Thanks, <br />
<br />
Brad Fith <br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<i>Recently you requested personal assistance from our on-line support center.<br />
Below is our response as captured in our system as Reference Number 001049073A.</i><br />
<br />
Dear Brad,<br />
<br />
Thank you for sharing your kind comments with us. I am happy to learn that you enjoy using Silly Putty(R) products. Our company receives hundreds of letters and e-mails each week. Most are inquiries for product information. Few people take the time to write and share their thoughts and experiences with us. <br />
<br />
Crayola is constantly striving, through our own internal departments, to develop new products and concepts, and to improve existing ones. While we appreciate your thinking of us, we are not considering ideas from outside the company at this time.<br />
<br />
We appreciate your contact, and hope you continue to choose Crayola products for your creative needs.<br />
<br />
Colorfully yours,<br />
<br />
Bridget #######<br />
Consumer Affairs Lead Representative<br />
CRAYOLA<br />
<br />
Visit <a href="http://www.facebook.com/Crayola">http://www.facebook.com/Crayola</a> and become a fan!Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-59147904611217931912013-06-30T22:06:00.000-05:002015-02-17T11:31:01.884-06:00A Letter to a Pet Trainer About a Manically Depressed Poodle<b style="font-size: small; line-height: 14.4pt;"><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif";">tom####@########.com</span></b><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
To Whom It May Concern:<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
Something is wrong with my dog. I am almost certain the pack of Swiss Nazis that kidnapped him did something more than just paint him purple and give him a Mohawk. I am writing as a last resort. I just can’t take it anymore. <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
Let me just start out by saying that I would have never moved here if I had known that there is a pack of Nazis running a muck and painting people’s pets. I have written a nasty letter to the head of their organization. I have also written a letter to my real estate agent to let her know that I have been bamboozled. <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
In any case, I am starting to lose my patience with my French poodle Larry. Since the incident his behavior has changed so drastically that he hardly seems like the same dog. He seems to have lost focus. My wife says he’s searching for answers. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
To say that he is acting strangely would be an understatement. For example, I came home yesterday to find him relieving himself in my goldfish bowl. No one was more dejected about this than my new goldfish Wynona Ryder. She’s dead.<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
Also, I would like to be able to pet him again. Unfortunately I rarely ever see him. Larry spent the last few days licking the same spot on the wall in the kitchen. If he’s not in the kitchen, he is leaning against the toilet with a sinister looking scowl. If I stare at him for too long he vomits. <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
Recently, he has figured out a way to open the refrigerator. He eats everything inside. I came home yesterday to find him passed out under a pile empty food containers and beer cans. He drank an entire case of beer! I can’t be positive, but when he saw how mad I was I think he let out a little sarcastic giggle. To make matters worse I have found a foul gift on the top rack every day for a week. I won’t go into to much detail but I will say it was very foul and came straight from his business end.<br />
<br />
He used to approach life with passion and vigor. Now I feel him spiraling into unending depression. Is this normal? Is there any hope? Please help. You have come highly recommended. <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
Sincerely,<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black; line-height: 14.4pt;">
Brad Fith <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"></span></div>
<span style="color: black;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black;">
***<span class="HTMLTypewriter2"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black;">
<span class="HTMLTypewriter2"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>From Amy:</b></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: black;">
<span class="HTMLTypewriter2"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><br />
</span></span></div>
<div style="color: black;">
Hello Brad,<br />
<br /></div>
<span style="color: black;">Thank you for your inquiry. If you would like to bring in your pet for a free evaluation, give me a call or email. You can reach me at 636-####-#### or email at amy@######.com.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">These evaluations are done on Tuesday evenings at 5pm and Saturday Mornings at 10:20am.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Best Regards,</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Amy</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">The ##### #### School</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">The ### ##### Inc.</span>Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2074180872710216311.post-55624266567815967572013-06-30T09:49:00.000-05:002015-02-17T11:32:38.460-06:00Trying to Find a High Paying Writing Gig....On Craigslist<div id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309443344916304" style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<div style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<b style="font-size: 12pt;">Ad I Found Posted on Craigslist:</b></div>
<div style="font-family: times new roman,new york,times,serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<br />
########### is about DIY in everything (from how to create a dress from t-shirts to hobby gaming on Commodore 64s) but we love to *read*. A LOT!!. We love it so much that we're seeking to review zines from all you hip writers and artists everywhere, but with a special focus on St. Louis (cos we got to represent!)<br />
<br />
We want everything. Zines about your crappy high school poetry to adventures in Finland to eating too many cookies. We want EVERYTHING!!!<br />
<br />
We rather deal with a paper zine, but we do look at e-zines for you savers of trees. Send us the link.<br />
<br />
Please include the following with your paper zine on a index card/sheet of paper:<br />
post paid price, international price (if any), do you take trades?, size, copied or printed?, number of pages, mailing address, e-mail address, website address.<br />
<br />
SEND IT ALL TO:</div>
<div style="font-family: times new roman,new york,times,serif; font-size: 12pt;">
######@yahoo.com</div>
<div style="font-family: times new roman,new york,times,serif; font-size: 12pt;">
or</div>
<div style="font-family: times new roman,new york,times,serif; font-size: 12pt;">
K ####### (#####)<br />
#############<br />
St. Louis, MO 63137 <br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">From:</span></b> Brad Fith </span></div>
<div style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><b><span style="font-weight: bold;">Subject:</span></b> Rockin' It Old Skool Listing on Craislist </span></div>
<div id="yiv2013830409" style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<div class="yiv2013830409MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Ravie;">Dear Employer:</span></div>
<div class="yiv2013830409MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="yiv2013830409MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<span style="color: black;">I would like to work for your company. I have never been arrested, I haven’t done many drugs and I have no visible scars or tattoos. I am seeking an employer with whom I can make truck loads of cash and receive a wide array of fringe benefits. Some time will be spent earning this money, but mostly I will be applying for raises and promotions, hitting on my secretary or hanging around the vending machine talking about my favorite TV shows. </span></div>
<div class="yiv2013830409MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="yiv2013830409MsoNormal" id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309443344916315" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<span id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309443344916313" style="color: black;">The most recent book I have acquired, entitled <i>Cover Letters for Dummies</i>, states that this paragraph of my cover letter should be about my background and education. That seems pointless and difficult. I don’t even know what the job is, if there are any qualifications, or what my responsibilities would be. I do know that I can do it better than anyone else you may interview if properly motivated. It can’t be that hard. There is nothing I love more than cold, hard cash. </span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black;">My love for money is so strong that I will be willing to do anything for it. This includes ruining families, destroying lives, lying, cheating and crushing anyone who gets in my path. It should be noted however that my love for cash is only equaled by my psychotic hatred of work. This is something you are going to have to deal with.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<br />
I have enclosed none of my previous work. This should leave some confusion as to the level of my genius. <br />
<div class="yiv2013830409MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="yiv2013830409MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<span style="color: black;">In conclusion, it would be terrible not to work for your company because I am getting tired of writing cover letters and sending out resumes. It is hard work and I’d rather be watching television. If I don’t get this job I will have to send out at least one more of these horrible, time consuming things. </span>I thought of a way around that. I plan on starting work <span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1309443336_3">Monday, August 29<sup>th</sup></span>. Please have my first week’s pay (cash only), benefits package, and company vehicle ready for me. Additionally, have any quarterly incentives or sign-on bonuses ready to pay in cash on the 29<sup>th</sup>. This would reduce any unnecessary inconvenience to the payroll department. </div>
<div class="yiv2013830409MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="yiv2013830409MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
Please drop me a line to tell me where the office is located and what kind of work you do there.</div>
<div class="yiv2013830409MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
</div>
<div class="yiv2013830409MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Ravie;">Peace,</span></div>
<div class="yiv2013830409MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
</div>
<div class="yiv2013830409MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Ravie;">Brad Fith</span></div>
</div>
</div>
<div style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
</div>
<div style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
</div>
<div style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<b>From K #########:</b></div>
<div style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
</div>
<div style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;">
<br />
Dear Brad,<br />
<br />
Thank you for your inquiry for Rockin' It Old Skool. We can sure use you for our team, as we have found your letter hilarious and in the style we use for our article format.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, the only space we have available is the water closet and I'm afraid we can't fit a card table and a Commodore 64. We don't even have a printer for the Commodore, but a very broken dot matrix that works for an Apple II. As for company vehicles, we have used bikes that we steal from the neighborhood children. Most of them are ragged BMX bikes. One of them is pink.<br />
<br />
<div id="yui_3_2_0_3_1309443344916321">
If you need cash, I suggest you donate some plasma, as that's a better opportunity than hitting up the casino or trying to sell weed and pills. Make sure you call the plasma donation center ahead of time, or you'll have a long wait and might not get seen at all. If you do decide to donate plasma, lay off the drugs and booze for a few days, eat a few good meals, get a good night's rest and wear warm clothing. Sitting near a draft will make your veins shrink and you'll defeat the purpose of donating plasma. Or you can always become a stripper. There's never enough male strippers.</div>
<br />
Thank you for your interest! Good luck on your job search.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Kat ######</div>
</div>
Bradley Bergerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10351788230346399058noreply@blogger.com0