JC Meet Maniac Looking for a Massage, (Next Time Don't Publish Your Email Address as a Male Masseuse)

To: jcnjcn1@mchsi.com

To Whom It May Concern,

I am leaving St. Louis and will be staying in the Springfield area from May 23 - May 27 on business. I would like to visit your establishment but I always write to make sure that certain accommodations can be made for my handicap. It is an easy request and I hope we can work together.

I was born with a very large and cumbersome head. My head is nearly three times the size of a normal head. Yes, I am like all of those guys you have seen pictures of whom look like they are carrying balloons for their children; only when you look at the picture long enough you realize that it is really their head. I love my head, but there are those who think that it looks funny.  They frequently make faces and harass me. It has been a constant burden. Even something as simple as getting a haircut also poses horrifying problems.  A simple trim can take several hours and my barber generally charges me extra.


Here are the things I will need from you: 

I would like for your staff not to point and stare at my head. It makes me uncomfortable. Furthermore, my head is my business. On occasion I have been poked with sticks so people can see if my head is actually real. I assure you that it is. There will be no need to poke me with anything. Also, I will pay extra if your staff will not attempt to tip me. Yes my head is big.  Yes it is much easier to tip me over. Please don't.

I would also like an attendant to be extra careful to keep the ice machine operational. Sometimes during warmer weather my head swells and I really like to keep it packed with ice at all times. The last thing I need is for my head to get any bigger.

If this poses any problem please let me know so I can make other arrangements.

Sincerely,
Brad Fith

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How did you get this e-mail address for a spa?

jcn

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To: jcnjcn1@mchsi.com

Hello JC,

Do you do massage therapy?  I am just a little confused. 

Sincerely,

Brad Fith 

***

To: jcnjcn1@mchsi.com


JC,

OK I get it.  You retired and are no longer in the massage therapy business.  You, however, seem like a nice enough guy.  With your connections, can you at least help me locate someone in the area?  I will pay top dollar for a good mud bath and hot towel treatment, given someone can find a big enough towel to fit over my head.

Please help me out.


Brad Fith 

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Brad,

First of all I'm not trying to be rude here. I would like to know where you got my e-mail address. What is it address associated too?  

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To: jcnjcn1@mchsi.com

Dear JC,

I am a little bit confused.  I have never had this many problems trying to book a spa appointment before.  I can only assume that it has to do with my handicap.  I have dealt with this type of prejudice before, and I am sure it will not be the last time. 

Back in high school I had a bully named Leroy.  He was the son of a Jewish doctor and very popular with the ladies at West Sturgeon High. He also had quite a sense of humor.  He used to think it was funny to put my head in a vice grip during shop class.  To make matters worse my teacher, Mr. Freehand, would encourage him by calling the class over to stare and laugh. 

Once, Leroy put super glue on my hands and made me grab my cheeks.  It was a dark day in my life.  I was forced to take drastic measures to preserve my dignity.  I spent the entire day acting like I was doing an impression of Macaulay Culkin in the popular Home Alone movie franchise.  

I just think it would be nice if you could be honest with me.  I wish there was something I could do to change your mind.  It might be a big step for handicap people everywhere.  You're right, I guess the reason I exist is so people like you and Leroy can perform experiments on me like you're the next Josef Mengele.

You could at least be honest.  Are you the owner?  I would like to know what he thinks about this.  If you could pass me his e-mail address I would appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Brad Fith 

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I really don’t need to know about your head.  If you could answer the question about the e-mail address. How did you get it? In a magazine is what I’m getting from you? "Prejudice" I assure you sir I’m not in the least bit interested in your handicap. You help me & I will see what I can do to find you some reference to a Spa.
Thank you.

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To: jcnjcn1@mchsi.com

Dear JC,

My wife just left me for Japanese sushi chef named Chuck.  He is a nice fellow but he has terrible acne and he is missing an eye.  So please, allow me access to your spa.   

Although I am upset, I am almost grateful about my wife.  Lately she was spending most of her time trying to light the house on fire and leaving droppings in my dress shoes. 

At first I thought it was funny.  Then, I thought she was possessed. I came to this conclusion after I had returned home from the local Lizard of the Month Club's semi weekly Symposium and she had covered the walls with mashed potatoes saying that she was trying to keep the Jesus from hearing her thoughts. 

I don’t know what else I could have done to accommodate her.  I was already sleeping out on the patio because she claimed that with her new wolf like senses I smelled like a piece of tender beef.  She said this made her very hungry.  I slept outside in a sleeping bag during some of the worst snow storms the state has ever seen.  Do I get a thank you?  No.  Instead she runs off with Chuck.

There has been good to come out of this situation though.  My French poodle Larry is very happy.  On several occasions she tried to put him in our neighbor’s daughter’s Easy Bake Oven.  I guess our neighbor’s daughter is probably pretty happy as well.  Still, I thought, with therapy we could work things out.

If I sent pictures of my head do think you could pass them on to your boss?  Maybe he would show some compassion. 

Sincerely,

Brad Fith

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Well Brad it sounds like your life really sucks.
From what I can tell ol' Chuck isn't getting enough fish at work.
The replies I've sent you are just one question that you chose not to answer. Instead you want to send me stories on how your lousy life is affected by not being able to be booked at a spa. 
I hope you can get this through your Thick skull (no Pun intended).
Does this place you obtained this e-mail address have a phone number attached to it? What’s the name of the Spa? Did it ever occur to you to pick up a damn phone and call this spa? I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Maybe you could send me pictures of your wife instead.
Because sir, I am the Boss.
This will be my last response to you so there is No need to respond anymore.
Have A Good Day (no pressure).
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+ comments + 1 comments

OH MY GOD! I can't believe I've just read this! It really must be the spooky hand of fate! I got so excited I just kicked my favourite corgi Rex across the room and he's left a stain on my wife! For all these years I've been thinking that you went back to our burrow only to be attacked and eaten by the wombat!
Are you Australian? Were you once twelve years old? Were you in the boy scouts? Did you get your backwoodsman badge? Are you writing under an alias to protect your old mates? Is your real name David T....? Do you remember playing air guitar and eating air rabbits around the camp fire with your best mate Greg Scott? Do you remember the elation of getting our backwoodsman badge for sleeping in a wombat hole even though we didn't catch any real rabbits and had to eat air rabbits? I never thought I'd see you again!
I remember it like it was yesterday. Those were the best years of my life. Do you remember what Mr Campbell, the scout master said to you when he gave you the badge? You were so excited you didn't even care when Johnno McMurray threw a water bomb at you and it looked like you pissed yourself. Mr Campbell said what? He said, "Don't you go getting a big head." and we all thought he was kidding.
So it happened and you took off, you chicken.We thought you were dead. Come back home so we can all take the piss out of you!
Your mate,
Greg Scott

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