Ad I Found Posted on Craigslist:
########### is about DIY in everything (from how to create a dress from t-shirts to hobby gaming on Commodore 64s) but we love to *read*. A LOT!!. We love it so much that we're seeking to review zines from all you hip writers and artists everywhere, but with a special focus on St. Louis (cos we got to represent!)
We want everything. Zines about your crappy high school poetry to adventures in Finland to eating too many cookies. We want EVERYTHING!!!
We rather deal with a paper zine, but we do look at e-zines for you savers of trees. Send us the link.
Please include the following with your paper zine on a index card/sheet of paper:
post paid price, international price (if any), do you take trades?, size, copied or printed?, number of pages, mailing address, e-mail address, website address.
SEND IT ALL TO:
######@yahoo.com
or
K ####### (#####)
#############
St. Louis, MO 63137
***
From: Brad Fith
#############
St. Louis, MO 63137
***
From: Brad Fith
Subject: Rockin' It Old Skool Listing on Craislist
Dear Employer:
I would like to work for your company. I have never been arrested, I haven’t done many drugs and I have no visible scars or tattoos. I am seeking an employer with whom I can make truck loads of cash and receive a wide array of fringe benefits. Some time will be spent earning this money, but mostly I will be applying for raises and promotions, hitting on my secretary or hanging around the vending machine talking about my favorite TV shows.
The most recent book I have acquired, entitled Cover Letters for Dummies, states that this paragraph of my cover letter should be about my background and education. That seems pointless and difficult. I don’t even know what the job is, if there are any qualifications, or what my responsibilities would be. I do know that I can do it better than anyone else you may interview if properly motivated. It can’t be that hard. There is nothing I love more than cold, hard cash.
My love for money is so strong that I will be willing to do anything for it. This includes ruining families, destroying lives, lying, cheating and crushing anyone who gets in my path. It should be noted however that my love for cash is only equaled by my psychotic hatred of work. This is something you are going to have to deal with.
My love for money is so strong that I will be willing to do anything for it. This includes ruining families, destroying lives, lying, cheating and crushing anyone who gets in my path. It should be noted however that my love for cash is only equaled by my psychotic hatred of work. This is something you are going to have to deal with.
I have enclosed none of my previous work. This should leave some confusion as to the level of my genius.
In conclusion, it would be terrible not to work for your company because I am getting tired of writing cover letters and sending out resumes. It is hard work and I’d rather be watching television. If I don’t get this job I will have to send out at least one more of these horrible, time consuming things. I thought of a way around that. I plan on starting work Monday, August 29th. Please have my first week’s pay (cash only), benefits package, and company vehicle ready for me. Additionally, have any quarterly incentives or sign-on bonuses ready to pay in cash on the 29th. This would reduce any unnecessary inconvenience to the payroll department.
Please drop me a line to tell me where the office is located and what kind of work you do there.
Peace,
Brad Fith
From K #########:
Dear Brad,
Thank you for your inquiry for Rockin' It Old Skool. We can sure use you for our team, as we have found your letter hilarious and in the style we use for our article format.
Unfortunately, the only space we have available is the water closet and I'm afraid we can't fit a card table and a Commodore 64. We don't even have a printer for the Commodore, but a very broken dot matrix that works for an Apple II. As for company vehicles, we have used bikes that we steal from the neighborhood children. Most of them are ragged BMX bikes. One of them is pink.
If you need cash, I suggest you donate some plasma, as that's a better opportunity than hitting up the casino or trying to sell weed and pills. Make sure you call the plasma donation center ahead of time, or you'll have a long wait and might not get seen at all. If you do decide to donate plasma, lay off the drugs and booze for a few days, eat a few good meals, get a good night's rest and wear warm clothing. Sitting near a draft will make your veins shrink and you'll defeat the purpose of donating plasma. Or you can always become a stripper. There's never enough male strippers.
Thank you for your interest! Good luck on your job search.
Sincerely,
Kat ######
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