A Letter to a Pet Trainer About a Manically Depressed Poodle

tom####@########.com

To Whom It May Concern:

Something is wrong with my dog. I am almost certain the pack of Swiss Nazis that kidnapped him did something more than just paint him purple and give him a Mohawk. I am writing as a last resort. I just can’t take it anymore.

Let me just start out by saying that I would have never moved here if I had known that there is a pack of Nazis running a muck and painting people’s pets. I have written a nasty letter to the head of their organization. I have also written a letter to my real estate agent to let her know that I have been bamboozled.

In any case, I am starting to lose my patience with my French poodle Larry. Since the incident his behavior has changed so drastically that he hardly seems like the same dog. He seems to have lost focus. My wife says he’s searching for answers.

To say that he is acting strangely would be an understatement. For example, I came home yesterday to find him relieving himself in my goldfish bowl. No one was more dejected about this than my new goldfish Wynona Ryder. She’s dead.

Also, I would like to be able to pet him again. Unfortunately I rarely ever see him. Larry spent the last few days licking the same spot on the wall in the kitchen. If he’s not in the kitchen, he is leaning against the toilet with a sinister looking scowl. If I stare at him for too long he vomits.

Recently, he has figured out a way to open the refrigerator. He eats everything inside. I came home yesterday to find him passed out under a pile empty food containers and beer cans. He drank an entire case of beer! I can’t be positive, but when he saw how mad I was I think he let out a little sarcastic giggle. To make matters worse I have found a foul gift on the top rack every day for a week. I won’t go into to much detail but I will say it was very foul and came straight from his business end.

He used to approach life with passion and vigor. Now I feel him spiraling into unending depression. Is this normal? Is there any hope? Please help. You have come highly recommended.

Sincerely,

Brad Fith

***

From Amy:

Hello Brad,

Thank you for your inquiry. If you would like to bring in your pet for a free evaluation, give me a call or email. You can reach me at 636-####-#### or email at amy@######.com.

These evaluations are done on Tuesday evenings at 5pm and Saturday Mornings at 10:20am.

Best Regards,

Amy
The ##### #### School
The ### ##### Inc.

About This Site

Brad Fith started writing these letters in 2001 while working as a janitor for a comedy club in a St. Louis Suburb. Over the course of about 2 years, he'd spend a few hours a day using the club's stationary to write thousands of hard copy letters to countless celebrities, politicians, customer service departments, newsmakers and various other organizations and individuals that he found interesting or easy to anger.

He was of course fired. I wasn't there but I assume the conversation went like this, "You've cost me $10,000 in stationary and you're not even that good at cleaning toilets. Please leave before the police arrive."

Around this time his fiance left him for a his best friend, his comedy act was rejected in all 50 states and Brad discovered email. He more-or-less slowly turned into a full blown loon.

To make a long story short, enjoy this deceptively funny and subversive mayhem. These emails are REAL correspondence to REAL people. These are their genuine reactions to ridiculous questions, concerns, pointless stories and rants. All email addresses were previously published by the owner. Some names have been altered or deleted entirely.