Dinner Reservations, Maniac Party of One

To Whom It May Concern,

I would like to visit your St. Charles location and I am very eager to give you my business. However, I feel I should write you and explain my condition before I stop in unannounced. It has caused me problems in the past and I would like to make sure I don’t run into the same issues in the future.

Here is my problem. Since I was very young I have suffered from terrible halitosis. I have really bad breath. It is very embarrassing. I have been to several doctors and a few dentists and no one can seem to help me. They all perform countless tests and procedures and then tell me there is nothing they can do.

When I try to cover it up, the problem deepens. It gets so bad sometimes that no one can stand to be in the same room as me. Last Christmas is a perfect example. My sister was eating and I was standing across the room. I was minding my own business in the spacious room, about 30 feet away from her. Everyone was having a great time, talking and laughing.

Then I exhaled.

The room was quickly filled with a pungent stench. Everyone gagged. She threw up all over her plate of food. I ruined Christmas for my whole family. I felt horrible.

As a result of my condition I don't get out of my house much. I would, however, like to make a trip out to dine at your restaurant. I think if you sat me facing a wall the problem would be minimal. Perhaps if my breath is still a problem I could sit in a closet or even the bathroom if needs be. I will do what it takes to ensure that your other guests are not disturbed but I cannot guarantee anything.

Please let me know one way or the other.

Thanks,

Brad

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From: B#######

Brad,

I don't see this to be a problem for us here at Ethyl's. We have lots of places in the dinning room, game room, patio, volleyball tables for you to sit at.

You can let us know were make you more comfortably dinning out us.

Thank You
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Rest. 636-***-****
Office 636-****-****

About This Site

Brad Fith started writing these letters in 2001 while working as a janitor for a comedy club in a St. Louis Suburb. Over the course of about 2 years, he'd spend a few hours a day using the club's stationary to write thousands of hard copy letters to countless celebrities, politicians, customer service departments, newsmakers and various other organizations and individuals that he found interesting or easy to anger.

He was of course fired. I wasn't there but I assume the conversation went like this, "You've cost me $10,000 in stationary and you're not even that good at cleaning toilets. Please leave before the police arrive."

Around this time his fiance left him for a his best friend, his comedy act was rejected in all 50 states and Brad discovered email. He more-or-less slowly turned into a full blown loon.

To make a long story short, enjoy this deceptively funny and subversive mayhem. These emails are REAL correspondence to REAL people. These are their genuine reactions to ridiculous questions, concerns, pointless stories and rants. All email addresses were previously published by the owner. Some names have been altered or deleted entirely.